Here's to 2012 — by Margaret Hart

This is my first blog in the New Year, and I'd like to write something meaningful and inspirational, but I'm finding myself to be somewhat at a loss for words. I'm sort of temporarily tapped out.  Since early November, I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting ready for this and that, and now that the excitement of all the holidays is over, the company has left, and my son goes back to school tomorrow, there is a satisfying lull in my routine. I have nothing urgent on my calendar until February. And I'm liking this peaceful time of nothing pressing to do.  

Like most people, however, I am thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this year. My to-do list is always a mile long, but there are a few must-do priorities at the top. I'm not a "resolutions" type of person, I'm a goals and priorities gal, and one of the top goals is to continue to make my health a priority. As many moms know, we often put ourselves second or third to our children, our husbands, our jobs, and our pets. I made a conscious decision in 2010 to make myself a priority and started working out with a trainer and seeing a nutritionist. Thankfully, my husband is supportive and my son, who is the most health conscious seven-year-old I know, rarely wants to eat anything fattening or sugary, so I get a lot of support in my household.

Another big priority is to continue to focus on the next phase in my career, which I voluntarily stepped away from when my son was born. While he's been growing, I've enjoyed freelancing at my own pace, providing me with the flexibility to be a full-time mom.  Now that my son is becoming more and more independent, the economy is picking up, and I am seeing more opportunities, I am reviewing my options. Many of the stay-at-home moms I met last year when my son entered Kindergarten have gone back to work; some out of necessity, and others because they missed being in the workforce. I am torn.  I miss being in the workforce. But I know I'll miss being a full-time mom.  And I'm scared at the prospect of relinquishing control to a nanny.  I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

One of the biggest challenges I expect to face this year is taking on guardianship of my younger sister who  has down's syndrome and currently lives in a group home near my parents in Maine.  My parents are now in their early 70s, and it's getting harder for them to supervise her care. It's time for me to step into a role I have been anticipating for many years.  I'll be overseeing her transition to a group home in Connecticut, and becoming her full-time guardian ensuring all  her needs are met.  Fortunately, she is high functioning, relatively independent, and social, so I'm hopeful she will be happy making new friends and getting involved in  new activities. 

I'm looking forward to 2012 being a year of positive change for me and my family.  And even though I say every  year that I'm going to slow down, not take on so many projects, and try not to do too much, I know that I will. It's in my nature. If  I'm not running around with my  hair on fire, I'm bored. 

So here's to the New Year!  As my son likes to say, "Go like the wind Bulls Eye."

The Sadist Day

I made probably the most difficult decision of my entire life recently. To end my marriage. Making this decision was so difficult that the only situation I can compare it to would be having a loved one in the hospital and having to be the one to make the decision to have them taken off life support. This decision was immensely heart wrenching, but it had to be done.

My husband is looking for the least expensive way to end our marriage and provide support. Because I have to look out for the needs of both my son as well as myself, I couldn’t afford to go the least expensive route. I chose to go through the much more grueling, difficult way. But it had to be done for the sake of my son and myself.

I also had to do it because my husband and I don’t have any semblance of life together anymore. And I grieve and hurt over this just about every single day. I have tried so hard to keep our family intact. My husband, however, keeps pulling farther and farther away. He has absolutely no interest in rectifying our marriage or family.

My own health has deteriorated significantly as well. I’ve lost 60 pounds due to stress induced irritable bowel syndrome. I can hardly eat liquids at this point and keep them in my digestive tract. My doctors have had to increase my anti-anxiety meds to a point where I think my brain is going to implode. I am weak, often dehydrated, often dizzy, and almost always nauseous. My body cannot afford to go on like this. Especially crying myself to sleep every night. I had to “pull the plug.” For the sake of my own health.

My biggest fear, besides my health, is my son. He will be devastated. And I am sure that this will impact his schooling. Since my husband is hardly around anyway, I constantly reassure my son that I will always be here for him. And I will never leave him, no matter what. He will forever be my number one priority. As it is now, we have established our own comfortable routine together. At least that will remain consistent for him.

The most difficult part of all will be telling our son that Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. I’ve been reading up on how to tell a young child that his parents will be divorcing. The most important emphasis from everything I’ve read is that both parents need to remain calm and unemotional when discussing a divorce with a child. I absolutely don’t think I can do it. I get teary-eyed just thinking of telling our son. But I want to hear what my husband says to our son, so I have to be present. I’m just going to have to take a few xanaxes before we sit down with him and try to hold back the tears. I honestly don’t know how I am going to get through it.

My husband and I had a child because we wanted to share the love we had for each other exponentially towards our child. The love for our child hasn’t changed, but I still continue to wonder where the love my husband and I had for each other went. And I still don’t understand how you can know a person intimately for 20 years and be married for 15 years, and have that love dissipate practically overnight. I guess I never will know the answer.

All I ever wanted was a happy little family who enjoyed spending time with one another and enjoying life’s experiences together. From last week’s blog, you could tell that I experienced my son’s first camping trip second hand, through texts and photos sent from my husband. And when my son and I leave for the Bahamas tomorrow, my husband will have to live our cruise experience, along with a stop at Disney on the way back, through scattered phone calls and shared photos. It is so utterly sad.

When my husband received the divorce letter, he was visibly shaken and shocked. Since then, however, he has failed to discuss it. All he said about the letter was, “I don’t know what to say.” I thought to myself, “For an intelligent man, you don’t seem to know much about anything concerning our relationship.” He is acting more and more like a bachelor, is giving up more and more time that he could be spending with his son, instead choosing to spend it with his friends or doing a physical activity. It is beyond sad. For my birthday, he gave me a gift, “from my son,” which was completely self-serving and did not take my son nor I into consideration at all. He had a bike race to go to this past Saturday with a barbecue to go to afterwards. He gave me tickets to go to see the play, The Lion King, at a theater in New York City. He specifically chose the day of his bike race as the date for the tickets, so that my son and I would be occupied. Firstly, my son hates the Lion King movie. I have offered to watch it with him over the years, and as soon as it starts, my son starts screaming, “Turn it off! Turn it off!” Why would I take my son to a play when he won’t even watch the movie it is based on!! Secondly, knowing my son would not like the play; he would be asking to leave every 15 minutes. And with his ADD, he would not be able to sit for that length of time anyway. It would be a horrible, aggravating, miserable experience for both of us. So I gave the tickets away. And my son and I spent a quiet, relaxing, productive day at home. I think we both much preferred that.

My husband’s attorney has up to 60 days to respond to my letter, so we shall see how long he puts off responding to it. In the meantime, I am learning a crash course in how to be a single parent, taking care of a high maintenance child and two high maintenance dogs. I’m not doing the greatest job, so far. But as they say, with practice makes perfect, which I don’t expect to aspire to! I think “staying afloat” is a much more reasonable goal for right now! Time will only tell...