The Sweetness and Sorrow of Ceremonies

A couple weekends ago, my son and I went to the Communion ceremony of my best friend’s son. Considering that I had never participated in a communion ceremony and my son is being raised Jewish, this was a brand new experience for both of us.

We were escorted to chairs on the side of the alter, with the other guests, and were lucky enough to get front row seats. While we waited for the procession of children seeking Communion to arrive, my son had many questions. Why did the “bad men” do that to Jesus (nail him to the cross)? Why are the children eating those round things and all drinking out of that cup? Don’t they know they can get germs by doing that? And many other questions about the differences between the two religions. I tried to answer each of his questions as simply but as completely as possible. A daunting task when it comes to religion.

At one point, my son wanted me to put my arm around him, hugging him close. He held onto my dangling hand. He then asked, “Mommy? All of the girls look like brides. Why do they have to look like brides?” I explained that by wearing a white dress and a veil, it is as if they are “marrying” or becoming closer to God in the Church. At that moment, my son pointed to my wedding band, which I wear on my right hand, the hand he was holding. He asked, “Mommy? Is that your wedding ring?” I told him that it was. He then carefully slid it off of my finger and immediately replaced it. Then he said to me, “See, now we are married, Mommy.” There is much to analyze about this, but we’ll save that for the professionals. His gesture, however, triggered an interesting feeling in my heart. Considering that my wedding anniversary will be this coming weekend, having my son pronounce his desire to be committed to me and love me unconditionally forever, brought back those giddy feelings I felt 16 years ago when my husband put that very same ring on my finger. Only when my son did it, the feelings felt deeper and truer. This is probably attributed to the fact that a Mother and child, especially a son, have an extremely close bond. I feel that bond with my son every second of the day. But with my son symbolically wanting to “marry” me, it made me feel that, unlike his father, my son will never betray me. He will never abandon me. He will always be there for me. “In good times and in bad.” Completely unlike his father. And instead of grieving for the loss of my marriage, I felt secure that there is one person in this world who WILL be mine forever. Until death does us part. Or he finds a spouse.

My therapist warned me about little boys my son’s age going through the Oedipal Syndrome (where the little boy wants his mother all to himself, while pushing his father away from his mother). Well, his father is about as far away as he can get, right now. But I am making sure that my son knows that Daddy loves him just as much as I do. And that there is no reason to push Daddy away. I will always be here for my son. Still, my son wants me. He needs me. He knows deep down inside that I completely understand him, inside and out. So let him hang on to me for a while longer. In a couple years, I will be, “Mommy who”?

As for my anniversary, I will dig up all the fun memories from last year when I whisked myself away to the Bahamas for 5 days. I tried to go this year, but although the hotel prices were reasonable, the flights cost half an arm and a leg due to the high fuel prices and surcharges. The rates were ridiculous. So, instead, out came the t-shirts, the cheap, beachy jewelry, and the photos I took on my excursion. Last year was a milestone anniversary. I had to remove myself from this continent and distract myself with pristine beauty and fun. I got what I went for. This year will be solemn. My husband has a wedding to go to on the day we got married. I wonder how or whether that will affect him at all? In any event, I’ll spend time with my son and maybe even go to our local pool. I’ll lie on a lounge chair, close my eyes, and reflect back to my time in the Bahamas. I will be with the sweetest little man, who loves me so much, he wants to “marry” me. At this point in my life, what more could I ask for?

There Goes the Bride

 This past Sunday was my Brother-in-Law’s wedding - my husband’s brother. I was invited, but chose not to go for many obvious reasons. My only wish was that I hadn’t been very ill because it gave my husband the perfect excuse as to why I wasn’t there. My husband is an awful liar. You could tell when he fibs a mile away. So, unfortunately he would be correct in telling family and friends why I didn’t attend the wedding. Bummer. I would have at least have enjoyed knowing how uncomfortable he would have been having to produce a reason why his “wife” wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Oh well...there will be other occasions.

My Sister-in-Law (wife of my husband’s OTHER brother) will be having her second child in April. I am pretty sure that I will be quietly absent from that milestone event as well. He’ll have to come up with some type of story for that occasion, I’m sure.

And then there are all the Holidays in between. I assume my son will be spending all of the Jewish religious ones at my in laws. I’ll get my son and take him to visit very close friends for Christmas and Easter. But what to do about Thanksgiving? I’ve made the largest turkey I could find, to feed 20 plus people for just about every Thanksgiving for 15 years now. I guess those days are over.

My husband and I will have to trade off on Thanksgiving. Since my son went to the wedding, perhaps my husband will allow me to take my son to my best friend’s house for Thanksgiving this year. It will be very festive as my best friend’s birthday is very close to the Thanksgiving Holiday, so she celebrates her birthday then as well.

It is hard when you are breaking away from your spouse while having to go through the Holidays, especially with a child. The child is used to everyone being together and having a wonderful time. Now the child gets tossed between one family and another. It’s confusing and painful...for everyone involved.

Being an only child, with now both parent’s deceased, and no close relatives who live nearby, I grew up spending many, many Holidays with my best friend and her family. I recently asked her if it would be okay to resume that historical pattern. She was delighted. A little overwhelmed, but delighted. I kind of get the “warm fuzzies” just thinking about all of the wonderful times in the past that we’ve spent together during the Holidays. Like her Dad serving us spiked Eggnog when we were only 16! We couldn’t understand why the Eggnog tasted so good, nor why we were so giddy hanging ornaments on her tree! It brings back such warm and loving feelings!

My son is the same age as my best friend’s son, who is adopted. My friend chose to become a single Mom right before she turned 40. I wanted to have my first child before I turned 40. The stars aligned in the heavens for both of us! We both have boys and they are only 3 months apart in age! And both boys think they are “cousins!” In a way, they really are. They see each other far more frequently than my son’s actual cousins.

So maybe this can work, this Holiday swapping thing? As I’ve experienced, families don’t have to be related to be close and have fun! I think I’ve had more enjoyable and exciting Holidays spent with close friends than with relatives who critique your cooking!

I guess another chapter of my life is unfolding. Just like going down the tall Mayan water slide at the Atlantis Resort with my son, last month. I am ready to experience another incredible ride. The ride through the Holiday maze! I better hold on tight for this one, too!