What is “Better?”

“BETTER” - of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, preferable”

I must admit that I was humbled by the number of concerned and genuine written and verbal comments my blog elicited last week. However, as true as all of the comments were, the essence that I took away from all of them was that my life would eventually “get better.” So I began to ponder both my life and the term, “better.” I came up with a list of questions that will sound bitter, and angry, and sarcastic because...well...I AM feeling bitter, angry and sarcastic. So, for those of you who truly had my best intentions in mind, and I sincerely appreciated all of them, please see past the bitter feelings and reflect on these questions:

Is “better” having my son ripped from his family unit and having to share time between two parents?

Is “better” being a single Mom to a child with multiple learning disabilities, and having to be the primary caretaker?

Is “better” having a child learn to deal with two different parenting styles, one of which is completely against his nature?

Is “better” having to pay a divorce lawyer almost $2000 of what was going to be my son’s college money just to fill out stupid, inane, paperwork when my child could have perhaps put that money into 2 college classes later in life?

Is “better” having one of your two pets, both of which your child adores, practically taken away because that pet favors the other parent?

Is “better” having to deal with stress related illnesses just about every single day, watching your own body become feeble and frail in the process?

Is “better” having a child have to share holidays, vacations and birthdays between each parent?

Is “better” attending a special event of your child’s, standing on the opposite side of the room from your former spouse, having as little communication as feasibly possible with that spouse, cheering on your child, hugging and kissing him for doing so well, and then having both parents leave in separate cars?

Is “better” not only not knowing what to say to friends when they inquire about the impending divorce? And is “better” having a child wonder what the heck is going on in their family but barely able to comprehend, let alone ask appropriate questions about what the heck is going on, because you don’t even know yourself? 

Is “better” having to linger in this “lifestyle” until your child goes off to college, which will roughly be 10 years from now?

After contemplating the smattering of questions I exemplified, can anyone honestly tell me that my life will get “better?” I seriously doubt so. Although I am open to being receptive to comments to the contrary.

I made a conscious decision to have a child and build a family. I looked forward to having a loving spouse, who would be there for this family during good times and in bad. I may never know just what went awry. But what I am experiencing and will be experiencing is far from “better.” And it’s a damn shame, especially for my child. Because out of us all, he’s the one who deserves “better.”

There Goes the Bride

 This past Sunday was my Brother-in-Law’s wedding - my husband’s brother. I was invited, but chose not to go for many obvious reasons. My only wish was that I hadn’t been very ill because it gave my husband the perfect excuse as to why I wasn’t there. My husband is an awful liar. You could tell when he fibs a mile away. So, unfortunately he would be correct in telling family and friends why I didn’t attend the wedding. Bummer. I would have at least have enjoyed knowing how uncomfortable he would have been having to produce a reason why his “wife” wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Oh well...there will be other occasions.

My Sister-in-Law (wife of my husband’s OTHER brother) will be having her second child in April. I am pretty sure that I will be quietly absent from that milestone event as well. He’ll have to come up with some type of story for that occasion, I’m sure.

And then there are all the Holidays in between. I assume my son will be spending all of the Jewish religious ones at my in laws. I’ll get my son and take him to visit very close friends for Christmas and Easter. But what to do about Thanksgiving? I’ve made the largest turkey I could find, to feed 20 plus people for just about every Thanksgiving for 15 years now. I guess those days are over.

My husband and I will have to trade off on Thanksgiving. Since my son went to the wedding, perhaps my husband will allow me to take my son to my best friend’s house for Thanksgiving this year. It will be very festive as my best friend’s birthday is very close to the Thanksgiving Holiday, so she celebrates her birthday then as well.

It is hard when you are breaking away from your spouse while having to go through the Holidays, especially with a child. The child is used to everyone being together and having a wonderful time. Now the child gets tossed between one family and another. It’s confusing and painful...for everyone involved.

Being an only child, with now both parent’s deceased, and no close relatives who live nearby, I grew up spending many, many Holidays with my best friend and her family. I recently asked her if it would be okay to resume that historical pattern. She was delighted. A little overwhelmed, but delighted. I kind of get the “warm fuzzies” just thinking about all of the wonderful times in the past that we’ve spent together during the Holidays. Like her Dad serving us spiked Eggnog when we were only 16! We couldn’t understand why the Eggnog tasted so good, nor why we were so giddy hanging ornaments on her tree! It brings back such warm and loving feelings!

My son is the same age as my best friend’s son, who is adopted. My friend chose to become a single Mom right before she turned 40. I wanted to have my first child before I turned 40. The stars aligned in the heavens for both of us! We both have boys and they are only 3 months apart in age! And both boys think they are “cousins!” In a way, they really are. They see each other far more frequently than my son’s actual cousins.

So maybe this can work, this Holiday swapping thing? As I’ve experienced, families don’t have to be related to be close and have fun! I think I’ve had more enjoyable and exciting Holidays spent with close friends than with relatives who critique your cooking!

I guess another chapter of my life is unfolding. Just like going down the tall Mayan water slide at the Atlantis Resort with my son, last month. I am ready to experience another incredible ride. The ride through the Holiday maze! I better hold on tight for this one, too!

If I Wanted to be a Single Mom...

I’m having a hard time thinking of how I would complete that sentence.
I have been finding myself playing the role of “married, single Mom” now more and more.

I adore my son...I would give up my life for him. I truly put my own needs aside to meet his. But when my husband and I discussed having a child, we knew that there might be some complications both during pregnancy and afterwards. I have a chronic pain condition that rears it’s ugly head every so often. I felt confident that I would have a partner who would be able to chip in when I wasn’t feeling my best. And through the years I accumulated more medical conditions. But still, I felt that I had someone to help “carry the load,” especially with the addition of two dogs.

But now I feel completely drained. It could be my hypothyroidism, but I don’t think it is. I am drained of being the resource for a very needy child. My son needs his “emotional tank” filled to the brim every day. I am drained of his continuous high energy, and schlepping him from place to place to burn off that energy.

I am drained of two wonderful dogs that are a real part of our family. But their needs are rising as they are getting on in age. And two fish that are relatively maintenance free, but do need to be fed and have their tanks cleaned regularly.

I no longer have that partner who made a promise to me that he would be there for me if raising a child were too much for me to handle on certain days. I feel cheated. And at the same time I admire all of the amazing single Moms who willingly chose to become single Moms. My best friend is a single Mom. She always sounds frazzled. She also schleps her son from one activity to another. And she also has an aging dog. I continually wonder how she does it. She DOES have her parents to chip in when she needs a break. And a slew of close friends who are more than willing to watch her son when she needs time for herself. I have none of that. Which makes me even more resentful that my husband is bailing out of his promise to me.

So I have to ask myself: If I wanted to voluntarily be a Single Mom, under my same medical circumstances and lack of resources to help out when I need a break, would I still want to be a one? I honestly don’t know. I can’t imagine life without my son. But I feel as if I am getting older exponentially at the same time.

My son is getting more mature and is taking on more responsibility. In a few years, he won’t want to even acknowledge that I even exist! And I desperately want to see him mature into an adult. But right now he is so sensitive that he needs to know my every move, my every step. I guess instead of wondering, “what if,” I should slow down and try to capture each small moment with him.

He lost his third baby tooth a few days ago. And since my husband was on a business trip, I thought that the excitement of losing his tooth (at the Bronx Zoo of all places!) would be diminished without his father here. It wasn’t. At all. He squealed with excitement at what the Tooth Fairy brought him. His Tooth Fairy is named Nute and is a Surfer Dude. We sent an e-mail to Nute, apprising him of the situation! And that whole night was filled with excitement, even as drained as I was from the day!

I guess I can now assuredly place an ending onto my opening sentence. If I wanted to be a Single Mom, I would definitely want to be one! Gladly! Otherwise, I would go through life with regrets. And that’s the last thing I want. And this childhood phase is passing so quickly! I better hold on with two hands, because I am going to be going on the ride of my life! Together, with my beautiful son! Being the best Single Mom I can be!