All About “No”

I had the pleasure of attending another lecture by Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP, at one of our local Long Island Chapter, Motherhood Later, Meet-Up dinners a few weeks ago. The topic being discussed was, “How to Say ‘No’ to Your Child.” I unknowingly started our discussion by asking Lisa why she had chosen a parenting decision she made, at the previous Meet-Up lecture she gave. The issue was about saying “No” to her teenage daughter who wanted to get a tattoo. Lisa’s decision was to provide her sixteen-year-old with medical risks related to getting a tattoo and having her daughter ponder whether she might not like the tattoo in 10 years. Lisa also discussed with her daughter choosing a less conspicuous location for the tattoo, should it be visible to prospective employers or even graduate school interviewers. Lisa then said she told her daughter that on her 18th birthday, when she was legally an adult, her daughter could decide whether she still wanted the tattoo or not. When she turned 18, Lisa’s daughter ran to get a tattoo.

Since that first lecture with Lisa, I agreed with every parenting strategy Lisa discussed (I read too many parenting books). However, I don’t think I would have done what Lisa did, in making her daughter wait 2 years to get a tattoo. Knowing my son, who sounds very similar in personality to Lisa’s daughter, I would have presented all of the risks involved, including taking him to a dermatologist’s office to learn how painful and difficult getting a tattoo removed would be, get advice from other sources who were more knowledgeable about tattoos than me, then let him decide if he still really wanted one. If he did, I would set limits on size, design and location, but I ultimately would let him have one. I know my son well enough to know that if I made him wait 2 years, at the stroke of midnight on his 18th birthday, he would get one. And it would be the biggest, most obnoxious and conspicuous tattoo you have ever laid eyes on. But that’s my son and that’s his personality. Lisa said that there was nothing wrong with my parenting decision, especially when you know your child as well as I do.

This lecture emphasized much more. At one point, Lisa asked how many mothers had been told by their child that their child hated them. I was the only one who hadn’t ever had my child tell me he hated me. I also explained why. When my son is angry with me, for whatever reason, I “beat him to the punch.” While he is still enraged, but before he can lash out at me, I say to him, “I know you are really mad at Mommy right now...and that’s okay. But I made my decision for a good reason and I am still going to say no.” By doing this, it let’s my son off the hook emotionally by being allowed to “hate me,” if he wants. It’s a little difficult to tell someone you hate her when they’ve already taken your words from you. I’ve also found that this technique diffuses a heated confrontation considerably. My child lives for initiating power struggles. I’ve learned (finally!) how to nip it in the bud before it escalates. Thank goodness I found something that works. I went through too many years of almost daily torments. Lisa liked how I handled my “challenging” child.

Lisa gave us suggestions of how to say, “No” effectively:

Make “No” a positive. Example: “You can have your treat just as soon as we finish eating dinner,” or “Of course you can watch TV...just as soon as you put your toys away.” This way, the “no” is really coming across as a “yes,” as long as the child complies.

Towards the end of the lecture, I made a suggestion that Lisa loved. If you have a child who gets easily sidetracked (like mine) and forgets to brush his teeth in the morning or doesn’t bring home all of the required books for school to do homework each day, I came up with a visual plan. I took pictures of my son doing his morning routine of getting dressed, washing face, combing hair, brushing teeth, and put them on a piece of poster board. This way my son could visually see what he needed to do next and eliminate his “sidetracking.” I did the same with his books for school. He had to make sure that he brought home different books, plus his folder, on different days. I took photos of each book and his folder and printed out mini pictures of these books. I made a Monday - Friday chart of the books my son needed for each day, glued the pictures to the page, and made multiple copies of that one page to stick in my son’s folder. He would check the chart as he was packing up for the day, and we rarely had to worry that something he needed to do his homework with was forgotten at school. Thus, no need to say, “no” to TV or using the computer as a consequence for forgetting his school items.

Everyone’s child is unique and incredible in his or her own way. Lisa said to seek out this “good” in your child to build up your child’s sense of self-esteem. Rather than say to your child, “You did a great job!” specify what the child did that made that job so great! Did they hit the ball so hard that they made a home run? Did they do a near perfect dive off the diving board? Did they choose colors for Legos that you probably would never have thought to combine, but looked terrific together as your child’s “work of art?" Praise them for these specific things. This way, when you do have to say “no,” your child will understand that you are being fair in dishing out that “no” because you also recognize when they also do some amazing things. But don’t overdo it. Use this technique modestly and appropriately. Let them get a sense that, “nobody is perfect.”

Finally, Lisa discussed the most important part of saying “no.” Don’t be wishy-washy and don’t give in. Once your child sees that you can stand your ground, but also realizes that you can recognize their achievements, they will test you less and power struggles will dissipate. Sometimes “no” is “no.” End of story. But it’s also okay to say to your child, “I need time to think about my decision. I will get back to you.” You know your child best. Pick and choose the “no” strategies that you think will work for your child. And if one technique doesn’t work, try another. After all, one size does not fit all.

If you would like to speak with Lisa directly or send her a question via e-mail:

Contact Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP. E-mail: Parentingsuccessfulchildren@juno.com or by phone at (516) 423 - 9918.

And if you live on Long Island or NYC, come join us for a nice Mom’s Night Out, when posted! We all learn so much from the speakers and among ourselves! And we deserve our own night out!

Derby Disappointment

Last week, I attended a dinner / parenting workshop with some of the local, Long Island chapter, Motherhood Later Moms. It was a wonderful event, with an equally wonderful speaker, Lisa Levine-Bernstein. During Lisa’s presentation, among many other important topics, the issue of praise came up. I have read many times in my 20-odd parenting books that when you praise a child for any reason, it should always be specific. As an example, if your child comes home with a picture they drew at school, instead of saying, “Great job!” you should instead say, “Wow! I love the colors you chose for the butterfly!” It gives the child positive feedback regarding their work and makes it specific enough so that they can use that information in many other ways in the future.

We also discussed praise in terms of the amount, frequency and times when you know your child could do a better job. Lisa’s advice was to try not to over praise your child because then they begin to expect it. Try to dish out praise modestly and with sincerity. And the point that hit home for me was giving your child feedback when you know he or she could have done a better job. You want to tell them that although they did well, they could possibly have done better. This gray area has always been a difficult one for me.

My son belongs to our local Boy Scouts troop. And I must admit, although I have never attended a meeting, from what I gather from my husband and other parents, my son’s “pack” is highly disorganized and unstructured. So unstructured that while most other troops were given notice weeks ahead of time that the yearly Pinewood Derby Car event would be taking place this past weekend, my son’s “pack” was given less than 2 weeks notice.

Now, for those of you who know nothing about these Derby races, there is a lot of work involved, mostly of the parental type. You have to go out and buy a Boy Scout approved Derby kit. Then the parent has to not only have the access, but time and tools to carve out a car from a block of wood, sand it, paint it, seal it, decorate it, and, most importantly, make sure that it falls within a very precise weight range. And you can purchase weights to add to the car if it falls short of this range. Well, my son had all of a week and a half to work on this car with his father and grandfather. And as you can see, they created quite an impressive car given the short amount of time they had to complete it!

The day of the race came this past Sunday. My son was so excited, he had his full Boy Scout uniform on at 8 am! We didn’t even have to be at the event until 1 pm! But my son insisted on keeping his uniform on the whole morning and ate very little so that he wouldn’t “mess up” his clothes.

We arrived at the event just on time. His car had to be weighed to make sure that it met the weight requirements. It passed. Then there was more waiting. The older troops had their cars race first. And because this was a district race, each district had to have their cars race, slowly weaning out the cars that didn’t finish within the top three. And this arduous process continued, filtering down to the younger troops.

Since my son was in the next to youngest group, we literally had to wait close to 2 hours before his car was up. It was torture for my poor son. Then, at long last, it was my son’s turn for his car!

They announced which lane his car would be in; I had my video camera poised and ready. Then down came the cars in a flash! My son placed third! He was eligible to compete against other cars once the slower cars were weaned out!

His car was up again. He placed third twice in a row! This was a good omen because if you stay in the top three, you continue to race the other cars that also placed first, second or third!

Again, they called his name and slot his car would be in! I tried crossing my toes because I had to hold the video camera! Down came the Derbies!

My son’s car came in fourth place. His car was now disqualified. He was beyond devastated. He sat leaning against me, tears running down his sweet face, mumbling, “But I came in third twice! Why did they have to take my car out?!” He didn’t want to hear nor need explanations. He needed to cry. He needed to let out his frustration. He needed time to work through his feelings.

Then all of a sudden, I remembered back to the dinner I went to a few days prior. I recalled the speaker saying, “Emphasize the positive. Focus on how well your child did this time as opposed to previous times. Be a role model for perseverance rather than giving up!”

I took my son aside to a quiet bench. I gave him some water and let him allow his disappointment to slowly pass. When I felt he was ready, I asked him what position his Derby car placed last year. He replied fifth and sixth. I said, “Guess what?! You placed in the top three twice this year!! If you were able to accomplish that, do you think you might place higher next year?” He just shrugged his shoulders, not quite over his dismay. So I said, “Why don’t we find out when the Derby race will be next year way ahead of time? That way you, Daddy and Poppy can prepare in advance. We’ll also do a little research and try to find out what makes certain Derby cars faster than others. We will be much better prepared for next year’s event!” My son’s face brightened. “Mommy? Will you help me go on the computer when we get home so that we can find out how to make the cars go faster??”  “We certainly can, Sweetheart!” I replied. My son’s mood began to lift. “Mommy? I’m hungry now...can we get some pizza?” Off we went in search for some fuel for my son’s body. Because of the parenting session I attended, I felt pretty confident that I had pretty successfully fueled his soul! My “gray area” was becoming a little more colorful, too!