How to Stop Time (or at least try to)

We are all well aware that we really can’t stop time. Especially when you forget to turn your clocks ahead, like I did this past weekend. And walked around all day Sunday, slightly off schedule! Good thing it was a Sunday! But, in general, time marches on. Or does it really?

I had a meeting planned with my husband, our lawyers and me for this Friday. An overwhelming amount of issues were going to be discussed. Everything from who gets which furniture all the way to a shared parenting schedule for my son. I was completely overwhelmed. And to add salt to an already open wound, I consulted my divorce books (yes, I have a variety of them too), to give me a heads up as to what to expect from this meeting. I had already sat down with a friend earlier in the week who had been through a meeting of this type. Although the mystery behind this meeting (technically called a “4-Way”) was revealed. I learned a lot of things that began to bother me. A lot. So I decided to do an internet search. I learned even more. The most annoying of which is that although my husband has to pay child support and alimony (now termed, “maintenance”), he gets to deduct both from his taxes at the end of the year while I would have to PAY taxes on this income! I now started to become enraged. Not only don’t I know WHY I am getting divorced; Not only won’t my husband even TRY to reconcile our marriage on our child’s behalf; But now I find out that I have to PAY to receive money from him!! No, thank you very much!! I don’t need his money THAT badly! Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back.

My husband was away on a business trip all last week. He came back Friday night. I saw behavior in my son that I have seen many times before when his father returns from a trip: Unbridled joy and elation. My son became giddy with happiness that his family was all together, including his dogs! He squealed with delight! He hugged his father, me, even the dogs! He chattered away in happy conversation, nonstop. Then it hit me, and I started to cry. This would be the last time that my son would experience the happiness of having his family together all under the same roof like this. I stifled my tears the rest of that evening, but sobbed the entire next day, when I was alone. I teared up when I spent Sunday with my son. I sobbed all through my session with my therapist Monday morning. I kept crying, “Why?? Why is this man doing this to his son?? Why is he doing this to me?? My son will never experience the elation he felt Friday night ever again!!” My therapist said, “I think you need to tell your lawyer this. I don’t think you are ready for this 4-Way meeting.” I told my therapist I would consider calling my lawyer.

All day Monday, crying off and on, I just kept replaying how happy my son was Friday night. And I made a decision. Both my son AND I need a reason why our lives are going to be destroyed by this man. We BOTH need an answer. So I decided to “postpone” (cancel) our 4-Way meeting. 

Since I made this decision in the evening, I sent an e-mail to my attorney Monday night. I had to pay a Shiva call (a visit to the family who had a loved one recently die in the Jewish faith), on Tuesday morning. I didn’t even have time to buy some baked goods for the family. I brought tissues instead. It was only the woman who’s father died who was home. She lost her mother only two months prior. She asked me to please distract her with conversation. She didn’t know about my divorce, so I told her. We both ended up using those tissues. I left when her youngest daughter would be coming home from preschool, because I knew her daughter would then be her distraction. But we bonded. We both now had two deceased parents. And I was able to comfort her knowing exactly how she felt. And she appreciated speaking with someone who not only lost both of her parents, but who was going through now an additional trauma. She said to me, “When you think that life can’t get any worse, it really can.” I nodded as she scooped her daughter up and hugged her close.

I spoke to my attorney as I walked home from paying my Shiva call. I began to cry even relating the story of my son to her. Attorneys can be stoic, but she is a Mom with a daughter who is my son’s age, so she instead consoled me and said she would take care of the wording when she let my husband’s attorney know that the meeting would be canceled. I thanked her profusely.

So for now, the clock has stopped with my divorce. I am not continuing to pursue it until I get a decent reason why my son will have to be traumatized and suffer. I’ve suffered enough. There is no reason he should have to suffer needlessly too.

Addendum:  In my blog from last week, I failed to provide contact information for the Motherhood Later Meet-Up speaker, Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP. Lisa’s contact information is e-mail: parentingsuccessfulchildren@juno.com or by phone at (516) 423 - 9918.

When Life Gives You Lemons

 My lawyer dealt me a harsh blow this past week. She informed me that based on new divorce laws that are now in effect, the anticipated alimony (now termed “maintenance”) and child support I would have originally received, will most likely be halved. The word devastated doesn’t even describe my reaction. We even have a legal rental property that I was going to use to supplement income after my divorce that my husband is refusing to rent. And if the property is vacant for 12 months or more, it cannot be used as a legal rental anymore. Goodbye extra source of income.

I live in an expensive community. But one of the benefits of living in this community is that the school system is one of the nation’s best. I want that for my child. I want to continue to live in my house so that my son has the security and consistency of living in the home and community he has always known. I feel let down by the judicial system. I feel let down by my husband who is not willing to keep our rental property rented. I feel let down by the whole world.

But there is something inside of me that is telling me that even with all that will be taken away from me, I will have what truly matters. I will have my son. That alone is the real comfort to this debacle. I personally don’t need clothes, I have enough make-up samples to last a few years, and I can manicure my own nails and highlight my own hair. I don’t even need to eat that much food. I will spend what little I get making sure my son is well fed, well clothed, and well cared for. I will find a way to make ends meet. I will find a way to make money even though I will have to be home some days so that my son gets the tutoring he needs. Heck, I will sell some heirloom, expensive furniture if it allows my son and me to remain in our home.

If worse comes to worse, my son and I could live in our rental property and rent out our house. Not my first choice, but as a last resort. I will even empty my bank account except for a cushion of emergency money, to pay off our mortgage. I will go to whatever extremes necessary to allow my son and me to stay where we are.

And who knows, perhaps since my husband now knows he won’t become  bankrupt, maybe he’ll consider chipping in a bit of money to ensure that his son stays secure and will remain in our current school system. And he may possibly chip in to pay for camp and karate, and swim lessons and other activities my child loves.

I’ve spent several days now saying over and over, “Why me??!!” Why has my entire life been one horrendous devastating event after another?? I still don’t know the answer. To build character? To allow me to learn lessons that will prove to be beneficial for the next calamity that comes along in my life? Perhaps. I really don’t know. I do know that God has always been with me throughout all of these horrible events. And I do know that I am truly a good, decent, caring, gratuitous person. I just can’t figure out why I keep going through these cycles of misfortune.

But there has to be a greater reason for this misfortune to be occurring. I haven’t figured it out yet. But I know there IS a reason. I will admit that there was a small part of me that felt guilty that I was bankrupting my child’s father. Even though he deserves it. That guilt is gone now. I am more at peace with myself. Maybe my in-laws will help pay for my son to go to college. I was planning on using my own inheritance money for that, but that will be my emergency “cushion” of money now. Maybe there is a lesson I will learn that I just haven’t figured out yet.

My favorite dog has been around for quite a long time. I would be completely lost without him. My son would too. Maybe his longevity is a payoff also? If it is, I’ll take that at any price. Like I keep saying, there has to be meaning to all of this. Time will hopefully tell.