My Misunderstood Child

"Shades of the prison-house begin to close

Upon the growing boy..."

- Wordsworth

Every August, before school begins for the new year, my son is retested for his myriad learning disabilities. We chose August because as parents, we want to know how our son is doing immediately prior to school beginning. By doing this, we can discuss with the school what services my son would possibly need. For the past two years, the professionals have recommended intensive services and interventions for my son. 

This year, my son scored the lowest he ever had before on each of the different assessments. Each professional was outraged that, despite their strong indication for intensive services, my son has been given the smallest amount of services possible.

My husband and I had requested meetings with the principal and administrators, whom all blatantly disregarded our requests. Now my son is in jeopardy of failing out of third grade without having even stepped into his new classroom.

We will once again ask to meet with the administrators of my son's school to see whether they will comply with the lengthy list of accommodations my son will need. By law, the school has 30 days to begin to act on our request. If nothing is being done, we were given the name of a lawyer who works with cases such as ours, in our school district, to advocate what is needed for our son. We understand that this lawyer is a "wolf." I think that a "wolf" lawyer is a perfect match for our school district.

Ever since I started to prepare appointments to be made for my son, I have been reading a book called, "The Unromantic Child," written as a memoir by Priscilla Gilman about her disabled son. Even with it's unusual title, this book had been calling me. I kept seeing advertisements for it. The author did interviews about it. For some reason, I just couldn't get this book out of my mind. I ended up buying it.

I won't reveal the details of the book, other than to say that if you are the parent of a Special Needs child, you should read this book. I haven't finished it yet, however I feel that this book resonates my life with my son. It also validates many of the feelings that a parent of a Special Needs child goes through, especially a Mother. Ms. Gilman writes, "Life is a wild roller-coaster right now and I am hanging on for dear life. To think that after all the work and time I invested into finding ways to help my son, the fact that it may not work out is extremely dispiriting and scary." She goes on to say, "How very much I love him, how much I want him to be happy, how agonizing it is to think of him suffering and unable to express himself because of his language issues. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him but I'm not sure what to do, and that is the most frustrating thing of all."

I know exactly how she feels. I wake up every single day wondering how I can better manage my son. Can I do anything more than I am doing to see my son exceed. My son happens to also be very bright. Every professional that has tested him has uttered those very words. What must it feel like to be aware of the fact that certain things you learn come so easily for you, it almost seems like osmosis? On the other hand, because you are so aware, you just can't comprehend why simple things, such as reading and writing seem so "natural" to those around you, yet you just can't do it, no matter how hard you try? I am in constant wonder as to what that must seem like. It would be one thing if my child had deficiencies across the board. But to know that he identifies his deficiencies and they don't make sense to him, breaks my heart even more. What must it appear like having a discussion about how the earth moves in two different ways, yet be unable to even be able to spell "planet." I simply just cannot imagine.

I remain steadfast in my optimism. As Ms. Gilman relates, "In the last month, I've realized in a way I never had before that this is and will be my life - this day-to-day work on and for my son. He will improve and develop and there will be many rewarding moments. But he has a lifelong disability and he will always need loads of effort on his behalf, both in every single interaction with him and with his teachers and therapists. It can be extremely exhausting and overwhelming...But the blessings of being his mother far outweigh the worry and stress and fatigue. Truly he has made me infinitely stronger, more patient, and compassionate person. I can do this. But I will need all the support and love I can get behind me." I am eternally thankful for all the support that I have garnered over the years, as well.

I am interested and eager to see what this school will be doing for my son this year. I am especially relieved that I will be able to call on "Mr. Wolf" lawyer if needed. Based on past experience with this school, I intend to be having conversations with "Mr. Wolf" within the next month or so. This is a huge relief. The "fight" in me is always there, but I end up entirely worn at the end of it. It's the same with my divorce lawyer. I get upset about issues, call my lawyer, she takes care of them. I go on my merry way. I want the same from "Mr. Wolf." Let him write letters, make calls and fight the school administrators. It will be one less constant anxiety to live with. I can already feel the tension release in my body.

As for my son. He is persistent and unrelenting. If he wants something badly enough, he will find a way to make it happen. Like opening a "child proof," empty medication container today. He constantly amazes me. I anticipate he always will.

"A temper known to those, who, after long

And weary expectation, have been blest

With sudden happiness beyond all hope."

- Wordsworth, "Nutting"

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

I saw my divorce lawyer yesterday. It was a very long, two-hour meeting and I left there drained. I was even tearing up as I drove home, thinking, “I am actually getting a divorce.” It sort of hit me the way when a loved one dies, out of the blue, you get a pang in your heart and you immediately think, “OMG! I’m never going to see that person again!!” It’s all part of the grief process.

But what has been bothering me the most has been the lack of closure for my marriage. I have asked my husband umpteen times why he wants to divorce and the answer is always the same, “I don’t know.” That’s not good enough for me. That’s not good enough when you spend 21 close, intimate years with someone and are married to him for almost 16. That’s not good enough when there is a child involved and their entire life is going to be upended. That is just not a good enough answer just for the sake of being not a good enough answer considering the magnitude of this situation. But it’s the best I’m ever going to get from him.

Still, I need closure. I have been working with my therapists and even pleaded with one of them to pretend my spouse had died to help me get through the grief process! She thought I was a little off the wall, but she understood. I can’t get past the grief process without some type of closure. I’d take just about any reason at this point! An “I don’t know,” just doesn’t cut it for me...and never will.

So, driving from one of my therapy appointments the other day, it hit me. For those of you who (probably pre-children), had the luxury of watching television, and had HBO, and may have been a “Sex and the City” addict, like me, may recall the, “He’s just not that into you,” episode. To briefly summarize, there was an episode where one of the main characters, Miranda, overheard a conversation between two young women. The young women were discussing why a date hadn’t called back when he said he would. The women were dissecting every nuance of the date and the phone calls the couple had prior to the date. And the woman who’s date never called back just couldn’t understand why because there were no obvious signs or communication indicating that this date would never call again. So brazen Miranda, listening to this wisely, approached the young women, apologized for eavesdropping, and simply said, “Face it. This guy is just not into you.” Then Miranda politely excused herself while the young women, although stunned by the revelation, had to agree with Miranda. And to some extent, you could tell that the woman who’s date never called back, was somewhat relieved at this epiphany.

As I drove home, I recalled this episode, and like the young woman whose date never called back, I thought to myself, “Your husband is just not into you.” And all of a sudden, a wave of peace washed over me. Yes, it’s a lame reason to use for “closure” purposes, but it is, still and all, a reason. 

Since I have allowed myself this “closure” statement, I must admit, I do feel freer and more positive. As ridiculous as this statement is, and considering that this is a marriage that is ending and not just a date not calling anymore, I realize that the statement of, “He’s just not that into you,” is rather trite. But, for me, it is something. And trite or not, it is at least a step above, “I don’t know.” So, for now, I have found my reason for closure. Or perhaps, on a superficial level, have something to use as a tool to start healing again. Because up until now, I’ve just been harboring anger. Tons and tons of anger. Which is ruining my body and mind and is just plain unproductive at minimum.

“He’s just not that into you.”  Barely meaningful for my situation, but for now, at least it works. And at least I can begin to move on.

When Life Gives You Lemons

 My lawyer dealt me a harsh blow this past week. She informed me that based on new divorce laws that are now in effect, the anticipated alimony (now termed “maintenance”) and child support I would have originally received, will most likely be halved. The word devastated doesn’t even describe my reaction. We even have a legal rental property that I was going to use to supplement income after my divorce that my husband is refusing to rent. And if the property is vacant for 12 months or more, it cannot be used as a legal rental anymore. Goodbye extra source of income.

I live in an expensive community. But one of the benefits of living in this community is that the school system is one of the nation’s best. I want that for my child. I want to continue to live in my house so that my son has the security and consistency of living in the home and community he has always known. I feel let down by the judicial system. I feel let down by my husband who is not willing to keep our rental property rented. I feel let down by the whole world.

But there is something inside of me that is telling me that even with all that will be taken away from me, I will have what truly matters. I will have my son. That alone is the real comfort to this debacle. I personally don’t need clothes, I have enough make-up samples to last a few years, and I can manicure my own nails and highlight my own hair. I don’t even need to eat that much food. I will spend what little I get making sure my son is well fed, well clothed, and well cared for. I will find a way to make ends meet. I will find a way to make money even though I will have to be home some days so that my son gets the tutoring he needs. Heck, I will sell some heirloom, expensive furniture if it allows my son and me to remain in our home.

If worse comes to worse, my son and I could live in our rental property and rent out our house. Not my first choice, but as a last resort. I will even empty my bank account except for a cushion of emergency money, to pay off our mortgage. I will go to whatever extremes necessary to allow my son and me to stay where we are.

And who knows, perhaps since my husband now knows he won’t become  bankrupt, maybe he’ll consider chipping in a bit of money to ensure that his son stays secure and will remain in our current school system. And he may possibly chip in to pay for camp and karate, and swim lessons and other activities my child loves.

I’ve spent several days now saying over and over, “Why me??!!” Why has my entire life been one horrendous devastating event after another?? I still don’t know the answer. To build character? To allow me to learn lessons that will prove to be beneficial for the next calamity that comes along in my life? Perhaps. I really don’t know. I do know that God has always been with me throughout all of these horrible events. And I do know that I am truly a good, decent, caring, gratuitous person. I just can’t figure out why I keep going through these cycles of misfortune.

But there has to be a greater reason for this misfortune to be occurring. I haven’t figured it out yet. But I know there IS a reason. I will admit that there was a small part of me that felt guilty that I was bankrupting my child’s father. Even though he deserves it. That guilt is gone now. I am more at peace with myself. Maybe my in-laws will help pay for my son to go to college. I was planning on using my own inheritance money for that, but that will be my emergency “cushion” of money now. Maybe there is a lesson I will learn that I just haven’t figured out yet.

My favorite dog has been around for quite a long time. I would be completely lost without him. My son would too. Maybe his longevity is a payoff also? If it is, I’ll take that at any price. Like I keep saying, there has to be meaning to all of this. Time will hopefully tell.