What to Do? What to Do?

I’ve been having a rather stressful past several days. And not only did I let something slide, which I shouldn’t have done, but I also allowed my son to outright lie to me without calling him out on it. And now I am stuck in two extremely awkward and important predicaments.

For the third time within three months, my dog had to be admitted into the animal hospital. Thank goodness, no surgery was needed. However he was retching and vomiting but needed strong antibiotics badly, thus he needed to stay in the hospital to have them given intravenously. They ruled out certain diagnoses, however the Medical team needed to do an ultrasound on my dog on Monday to rule out anything further. This was all on Saturday.

On Sunday, my son and I had a Motherhood Later event to attend mid-afternoon at the NY Hall of Science (and we had a wonderful time!), but I was stuck with an ultra energetic child for the entire morning. I actually thought this kid was going to stick to the ceiling.

My son has a friend at school whom my husband and I do not approve of. This child has bullied my son by throwing balls at him until my son had to cower. He also coaxed my son into drawing a picture that almost had my son thrown out of the after school program both boys attend. We realize that we can’t separate the boys while they are in school, but we had put a stop to playdates outside of school because we noticed my son had been developing an “attitude” the more time he spent with this boy and was using what I call, “bathroom vocabulary,” more after he had spent time with this other child. My husband and I successfully pulled the no playdate rule off, but now it is back...in full force.

My son wanted to go to our local park and ride his scooter with this boy the morning of the Motherhood Later event, which was in the afternoon. My husband and I had discussed allowing our son to go to the park with this boy for the whole week prior to Sunday. In my last discussion with our son, I told him that it was not a good idea. My husband, in a conversation at a different time, had told my son the same thing. I confirmed with my husband that the two boys were not to go to the park. End of story. Lesson #1: With important issues, have a family meeting where all members of the family are present to avoid the next issue I still am unsure how to deal with...lying.

On Sunday morning, my son was hounding me to call his friend’s mother to see when they could go to the park. I reiterated that we were not going to go to the park to play with his friend. Then came the lie: “But Daddy said that I could go to the park,” which I knew was a blatant lie. There were also other issues circling at that moment. Firstly, I was a nervous wreck about my dog and was awaiting a call from the Animal Hospital to get an update. Secondly, I knew at that very moment, my husband was in a boxing class at the gym and would never hear his phone ringing, so it was pointless to call to “confirm” that my husband had given him permission. Third, my son needed to get out of the house and use up some of his pent up energy. I made a rash decision. I let the lie slide and called the other boy’s Mom. I explained to her that my dog was in the hospital and that I needed to stay home because I was awaiting a call from the  hospital with an update. I asked if she minded picking my son up and bringing the boys to the park (a block away from my house), and told her that I would come get my son around noon to feed him lunch. She called around 11:30am and said the boys were hungry and asked if she could take them both to her house to feed them. I agreed simply because it was one less thing I had to do or think about. The Animal Hospital had already called and said my dog was stable but still having vomiting issues.

I finally picked up my son to go to the Motherhood Later event, and sighed in relief that the playdate was over. But the lying issue was still hanging over my head and I also opened up a can of worms by not standing my ground and saying no to the playdate. Now my son is going to want more playdates with this child whom I am not terribly fond of. It is a good thing that I have full days planned for my son and I the next two Sundays. But I am going to have to think long and hard (and get some knowledgeable advice) about how to go about dealing with the lying and trying to prevent future playdates with my son’s friend. What to do, what to do?

As an aside, my dog is home and slowly improving. Thank goodness one thing is going in the right direction! 

7 Going on 13

My son wanted jeans. He wanted them because all of the boys in school wear jeans and because all of the skateboard “dudes” wears jeans. And my son wants to be the next Tony Hawk (for those of you out there who either have only girls or boys too young to be interested in skateboarding, Tony Hawk is the ultimate skateboard champion. Just thought you might want to know that).

In any event, my son thinks he is already a “tween.” And from an informal poll, so do a lot of other kids my son’s age. I have a friend who has a daughter (also age 7), who begged her Mom to take her to Abercrombie & Fitch to buy spaghetti strap tanks WITH PUSH UP BRAS IN THEM!!! What 7-year-old girl needs a push up bra?!? (From what I hear, Abercrombie & Fitch is receiving a lot of flack from parents regarding this item).

Where does it end?? Or does it?

These types of scenarios are becoming all too common as our children are reaching for adult status. My son watches iCarly and The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, both which are meant for tweens, but as far as sitcoms go, they are fairly tame. When I brought these shows up in conversation at a birthday party recently, almost every Mom not only knew of these television shows, but admitted that their 7 and 8 year olds watch them too. I was shocked, but I wasn’t.

According to Diane Levin, Ph.D, professor of education at Wheelock College in Boston, the message that kids are taking away from these shows and entertainers is that buying the “right” items (i.e. my son’s jeans), or looking the “right” way, (as in wearing an Abercrombie & Fitch tank with a push up bra), are what determine a child’s value as a person.

This is nothing new. I remember haranguing my Mom to buy me Levis with the leather tag on the waste so that I would “fit it” with my peers. However, I was 14, not 7. Studies have revealed that girls who are obsessed with their appearance at earlier ages are more prone to take up smoking, become depressed and develop eating disorders as they get older. Boys, on the other hand, are getting the message that they need to appear active and tough to be considered cool. They also risk becoming depressed if they don’t measure up. I’ve heard 7 and 8 year old boys ask when they can “work out” at their parent’s gym! My first thought was, “Go outside and play!” But that is fodder for a whole different blog.

How, as concerned parents, can we keep our young kids, well, young kids? One way is to stay connected to your children. Your messages are far more influential to your children whether you think so, or not. And ask questions: Why does your child like to watch iCarly? It could be simply the antics that go on, as my son pointed out to me. The goal is to keep the lines of communication open, so that when bigger issues come up with your child (and they will), your child will feel safe talking with you about them. You don’t need to have all of the answers; simply acknowledging the social pressures your child has to deal with is enough. And that you are always there for them, without judgment.

As for my son’s jeans, he gave up wearing them for now. He has Sensitivity Disorders and said the jeans were too stiff and gave him a “wedgy,” (Hmm...let me guess where he learned  that word?). But there will be other items that my son will have to have in order to stay “cool.” And what I will have to do is remember back to my Levis with the leather tag on the waist! That’s all that we’ll need to get through another episode of childhood angst!

Children’s Etiquette

My son is truly a good kid, inside and out. He has demonstrated these admirable qualities over his toddler, preschool and now elementary school years. However, I have been noticing that since the social mores of the school environment are slowly seeping into my son’s world, so are some less desirable traits. Because I know how good a person my son has the potential to be, I am working (and fighting) hard to instill some manners and overall good social habits into my son, so that he continues on the right path regardless of undesirable social and environmental influences.

I came upon an article in the March 2011 issue of Parents magazine that caught my eye. It was titled, “25 Manners Every Kid Needs By Age 9.” I felt that it was worth blogging about and reproducing (with permission from Parents magazine), because even the best parent can always use a little brushing up on their own etiquette skills from time to time! So here are the 25 most important manners:

1. When asking for something, say “Please.”

2. When receiving something,say “Thank you.”

3.  Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking. 

4. If they don’t, you can always insert a polite, “Excuse me,” to capture their attention.

5. When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.

6. The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.

7. Do not comment on other’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.

8. When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.

9. When you have spent time at a friend’s house (or a party), remember to thank his or her parents for having you as their guest and for the good time you had.

10. Knock on closed doors - and wait to see if there is a response - before entering.

11. When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.

12. Say “thank you” for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.

13. Never use foul language in front of adults. It’s rude and unnecessary.

14. Don’t call people mean names.

15. Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.

16. Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.

17. If you bump into somebody, immediately say, “Excuse Me.”

18. Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze.

19. As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.

20. If you see a parent, teacher or neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. You just might learn something.

21. When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.

22. when someone helps you, say, “Thank you.” This is especially true with teachers.

23. Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure, ask your parents to teach you or watch what other adults do.

24. Keep a napkin on your lap; Use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.

25. Don’t reach for things at the table; Ask them to have them passed.

It looks as if my son has quite a bit of work ahead of him! I will be posting this list in the kitchen and referring to it often! My son has many of the “basics” down, such as covering his nose and mouth when he coughs or sneezes. But the napkin on the lap rule definitely needs work. Plus, I am tired of looking at the right sleeve of his shirts, as I sort laundry, to see whether he used it as a napkin or not!

Even if the majority of these suggestions are implemented, you will have children who are pleasant to be around, no matter what the situation. And even more so, if you model these suggestions, your child will pick up these “habits” even more quickly! Try it! Together we can all make the world a nicer, happier place!

I would like to thank Parents magazine and the original author of this article, David Lowry, Ph.D., for allowing these suggestions to be circulated in order to reach as broad an audience as possible. Please use the web link to download a copy for yourself.

Money Matters

It’s hard for children to grasp the concept that money has value. But once children are able to grasp the concept (like my 7 year old son does), you then have to help them to understand the next concept: Delayed gratification. The first concept is easy once children have their math skills down and they are able to make purchases on their own. The second concept can be a minefield.

Our son gets a weekly allowance for doing chores and other odds and ends. If he goes out of his way to volunteer to do something extra, such as helping to shovel snow when we had more than our fill to shovel, he was rewarded with extra money based on the amount of time and effort he put into it.

Last week my son had  $12 in his bank. We were going to go to a carnival and I agreed to pay for some of the games and events if my son agreed to bring some of his money to contribute as well. I suggested he bring only half of his money and save the rest. A power struggle was rearing its ugly head. My son demanded to bring all of his money. I strongly believe that consequences provide the best teaching lessons, so I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s your money to do what you want with,” and left it at that.

My son ended up using all of his money at the carnival, plus a generous $10 of my own contribution. He at least won some pets to take home: Four small goldfish. If we were to buy four goldfish it probably would have cost $10-$12 anyway, so I felt somewhat redeemed. And deep down inside I knew my son missed having his Betta fish. Betta fish require much more maintenance than simple goldfish, so I preferred having them to take care of. And since we had 2 unused tanks, and goldfish can be put together in the same tank, whereas with Betta fish, you can’t, my son was happy that his fish had a friend in each tank. So far (crossing my fingers), they seem to have adjusted nicely, are eating heartily, and seem to be happy in their new homes.

Fast forward to this past weekend. My son and I were sick, so we spent the day relaxing and watching some movies and television together. At one point, my son saw a new and exciting toy advertised on television. He asked me to go to the toy’s website on the computer. I obliged. He then announced that he wanted me to buy the toy for him. I asked him how much money he had. He realized that he only had a few dollars from this week’s allowance. Enter the minefield. My son begged and bargained for an advance on next week’s allowance. He pleaded to do extra chores, but I was too sick to first organize something for him to do and secondly, supervise his doing the chore to completion. I then calmly explained that I had suggested he leave some of his money at home the day we went to the carnival, but that he had insisted on bringing it all. My son became furious, ranting and raving about me being unfair to him. Again, I calmly said that he would be able to save up enough money in a week or two to buy the toy he wanted. He continued ranting that he didn’t want me to ever talk about money with him again and concluded his rant with ripping up the few dollars he had received as his allowance. Once again, I calmly said, “Unfortunately you now have less money to buy your toy. And when you calm down, you will have to pick up the money shreds and place them in the garbage.” Lesson learned...the hard way.

If I don’t let my son experience the frustration and disappointment of not getting what he wants exactly when he wants, he will never learn to defer gratification. He never will feel the satisfaction of saving up and buying something special that you really want. He will never realize the true value of money and how to manage his own money. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to speak to me temporarily. I don’t even care that he ripped his money into shreds (heck, I spend more than that on a Starbuck’s coffee!). What I do care about is that he eventually learns to value and respect money for it’s worth and it’s buying power. And the only way he is going to learn that is to experience disappointment firsthand. As for shredding money, we’ll have to work on his anger management skills next!

How to Stop Time (or at least try to)

We are all well aware that we really can’t stop time. Especially when you forget to turn your clocks ahead, like I did this past weekend. And walked around all day Sunday, slightly off schedule! Good thing it was a Sunday! But, in general, time marches on. Or does it really?

I had a meeting planned with my husband, our lawyers and me for this Friday. An overwhelming amount of issues were going to be discussed. Everything from who gets which furniture all the way to a shared parenting schedule for my son. I was completely overwhelmed. And to add salt to an already open wound, I consulted my divorce books (yes, I have a variety of them too), to give me a heads up as to what to expect from this meeting. I had already sat down with a friend earlier in the week who had been through a meeting of this type. Although the mystery behind this meeting (technically called a “4-Way”) was revealed. I learned a lot of things that began to bother me. A lot. So I decided to do an internet search. I learned even more. The most annoying of which is that although my husband has to pay child support and alimony (now termed, “maintenance”), he gets to deduct both from his taxes at the end of the year while I would have to PAY taxes on this income! I now started to become enraged. Not only don’t I know WHY I am getting divorced; Not only won’t my husband even TRY to reconcile our marriage on our child’s behalf; But now I find out that I have to PAY to receive money from him!! No, thank you very much!! I don’t need his money THAT badly! Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back.

My husband was away on a business trip all last week. He came back Friday night. I saw behavior in my son that I have seen many times before when his father returns from a trip: Unbridled joy and elation. My son became giddy with happiness that his family was all together, including his dogs! He squealed with delight! He hugged his father, me, even the dogs! He chattered away in happy conversation, nonstop. Then it hit me, and I started to cry. This would be the last time that my son would experience the happiness of having his family together all under the same roof like this. I stifled my tears the rest of that evening, but sobbed the entire next day, when I was alone. I teared up when I spent Sunday with my son. I sobbed all through my session with my therapist Monday morning. I kept crying, “Why?? Why is this man doing this to his son?? Why is he doing this to me?? My son will never experience the elation he felt Friday night ever again!!” My therapist said, “I think you need to tell your lawyer this. I don’t think you are ready for this 4-Way meeting.” I told my therapist I would consider calling my lawyer.

All day Monday, crying off and on, I just kept replaying how happy my son was Friday night. And I made a decision. Both my son AND I need a reason why our lives are going to be destroyed by this man. We BOTH need an answer. So I decided to “postpone” (cancel) our 4-Way meeting. 

Since I made this decision in the evening, I sent an e-mail to my attorney Monday night. I had to pay a Shiva call (a visit to the family who had a loved one recently die in the Jewish faith), on Tuesday morning. I didn’t even have time to buy some baked goods for the family. I brought tissues instead. It was only the woman who’s father died who was home. She lost her mother only two months prior. She asked me to please distract her with conversation. She didn’t know about my divorce, so I told her. We both ended up using those tissues. I left when her youngest daughter would be coming home from preschool, because I knew her daughter would then be her distraction. But we bonded. We both now had two deceased parents. And I was able to comfort her knowing exactly how she felt. And she appreciated speaking with someone who not only lost both of her parents, but who was going through now an additional trauma. She said to me, “When you think that life can’t get any worse, it really can.” I nodded as she scooped her daughter up and hugged her close.

I spoke to my attorney as I walked home from paying my Shiva call. I began to cry even relating the story of my son to her. Attorneys can be stoic, but she is a Mom with a daughter who is my son’s age, so she instead consoled me and said she would take care of the wording when she let my husband’s attorney know that the meeting would be canceled. I thanked her profusely.

So for now, the clock has stopped with my divorce. I am not continuing to pursue it until I get a decent reason why my son will have to be traumatized and suffer. I’ve suffered enough. There is no reason he should have to suffer needlessly too.

Addendum:  In my blog from last week, I failed to provide contact information for the Motherhood Later Meet-Up speaker, Lisa Levine-Bernstein, MSN, RN, FNP. Lisa’s contact information is e-mail: parentingsuccessfulchildren@juno.com or by phone at (516) 423 - 9918.

Derby Disappointment

Last week, I attended a dinner / parenting workshop with some of the local, Long Island chapter, Motherhood Later Moms. It was a wonderful event, with an equally wonderful speaker, Lisa Levine-Bernstein. During Lisa’s presentation, among many other important topics, the issue of praise came up. I have read many times in my 20-odd parenting books that when you praise a child for any reason, it should always be specific. As an example, if your child comes home with a picture they drew at school, instead of saying, “Great job!” you should instead say, “Wow! I love the colors you chose for the butterfly!” It gives the child positive feedback regarding their work and makes it specific enough so that they can use that information in many other ways in the future.

We also discussed praise in terms of the amount, frequency and times when you know your child could do a better job. Lisa’s advice was to try not to over praise your child because then they begin to expect it. Try to dish out praise modestly and with sincerity. And the point that hit home for me was giving your child feedback when you know he or she could have done a better job. You want to tell them that although they did well, they could possibly have done better. This gray area has always been a difficult one for me.

My son belongs to our local Boy Scouts troop. And I must admit, although I have never attended a meeting, from what I gather from my husband and other parents, my son’s “pack” is highly disorganized and unstructured. So unstructured that while most other troops were given notice weeks ahead of time that the yearly Pinewood Derby Car event would be taking place this past weekend, my son’s “pack” was given less than 2 weeks notice.

Now, for those of you who know nothing about these Derby races, there is a lot of work involved, mostly of the parental type. You have to go out and buy a Boy Scout approved Derby kit. Then the parent has to not only have the access, but time and tools to carve out a car from a block of wood, sand it, paint it, seal it, decorate it, and, most importantly, make sure that it falls within a very precise weight range. And you can purchase weights to add to the car if it falls short of this range. Well, my son had all of a week and a half to work on this car with his father and grandfather. And as you can see, they created quite an impressive car given the short amount of time they had to complete it!

The day of the race came this past Sunday. My son was so excited, he had his full Boy Scout uniform on at 8 am! We didn’t even have to be at the event until 1 pm! But my son insisted on keeping his uniform on the whole morning and ate very little so that he wouldn’t “mess up” his clothes.

We arrived at the event just on time. His car had to be weighed to make sure that it met the weight requirements. It passed. Then there was more waiting. The older troops had their cars race first. And because this was a district race, each district had to have their cars race, slowly weaning out the cars that didn’t finish within the top three. And this arduous process continued, filtering down to the younger troops.

Since my son was in the next to youngest group, we literally had to wait close to 2 hours before his car was up. It was torture for my poor son. Then, at long last, it was my son’s turn for his car!

They announced which lane his car would be in; I had my video camera poised and ready. Then down came the cars in a flash! My son placed third! He was eligible to compete against other cars once the slower cars were weaned out!

His car was up again. He placed third twice in a row! This was a good omen because if you stay in the top three, you continue to race the other cars that also placed first, second or third!

Again, they called his name and slot his car would be in! I tried crossing my toes because I had to hold the video camera! Down came the Derbies!

My son’s car came in fourth place. His car was now disqualified. He was beyond devastated. He sat leaning against me, tears running down his sweet face, mumbling, “But I came in third twice! Why did they have to take my car out?!” He didn’t want to hear nor need explanations. He needed to cry. He needed to let out his frustration. He needed time to work through his feelings.

Then all of a sudden, I remembered back to the dinner I went to a few days prior. I recalled the speaker saying, “Emphasize the positive. Focus on how well your child did this time as opposed to previous times. Be a role model for perseverance rather than giving up!”

I took my son aside to a quiet bench. I gave him some water and let him allow his disappointment to slowly pass. When I felt he was ready, I asked him what position his Derby car placed last year. He replied fifth and sixth. I said, “Guess what?! You placed in the top three twice this year!! If you were able to accomplish that, do you think you might place higher next year?” He just shrugged his shoulders, not quite over his dismay. So I said, “Why don’t we find out when the Derby race will be next year way ahead of time? That way you, Daddy and Poppy can prepare in advance. We’ll also do a little research and try to find out what makes certain Derby cars faster than others. We will be much better prepared for next year’s event!” My son’s face brightened. “Mommy? Will you help me go on the computer when we get home so that we can find out how to make the cars go faster??”  “We certainly can, Sweetheart!” I replied. My son’s mood began to lift. “Mommy? I’m hungry now...can we get some pizza?” Off we went in search for some fuel for my son’s body. Because of the parenting session I attended, I felt pretty confident that I had pretty successfully fueled his soul! My “gray area” was becoming a little more colorful, too!

Judgment Call

I have a chip on my shoulder that I would like to remove. It happens to parallel one of our other Blogger’s blogs by Laura Houston. In her blog, she was appalled that mere acquaintances or even strangers have no qualms about walking right up to you and giving you advice on how to parent your own child. Completely unsolicited advice. From people you hardly know. I wholeheartedly agreed with Laura’s blog. But I want to take it a step further.

I am not even divorced yet, and already people who I hardly know are saying to me, “You’ll find someone wonderful one day. You are such a pretty lady and so intelligent and so lovely. You’ll find the right person one day.” Who said I want to have any more relationships at all in my future?? And although they are certainly well meaning, I haven’t even gotten through the grieving part of this trauma. Do I really want to jump into a relationship when I can still barely fathom that my marriage is coming to its demise??

I consider it rude to make assumptions about others regarding very personal matters. For example, people who walk up to a pregnant woman, who has two little boys with her, and these relative strangers say, “Gee, you must be hoping for a girl next.” Who are these people to make a judgment call like that??

There is even an extremely lovely older woman I know, who has a son going through a divorce, who wants to “have the two of you meet sometime.” I don’t want to meet anyone! I want to get my son and myself through this tragedy and try our best to establish a new life! I don’t need any other complications in my life. My plate is full, thank you very much.

I must say that none of my close friends have made statements of this type, and I sincerely appreciate their support and understanding without unsolicited advice. Hearing from acquaintances, “Oh, you MUST get out and mingle with the world! You’ll never know who you’ll meet!,” just doesn’t help my current emotional state. I wear my wedding band on my right hand, because I really like it and want to continue to use it. But the other day, at the train station, this completely uninteresting man kept trying to conjure up a conversation with me, all the while glancing at my left hand. At one point I slipped the ring from my right hand to my left and casually brushed my hair with my left hand. Our conversation came to a dead halt. At least the ring is useful in those types of situations.

What I really want to convey to the world is to please think twice before giving unsolicited advice. Whether it is parenting, pregnancy, miscarriage, divorce or any other very personal matter. It makes the receiver uncomfortable at best. It makes them feel as if they have to justify their actions at worst. And honestly, it is just plain rude and unnecessary.

Forty-eight percent of marriages end in divorce. I NEVER thought I would fall into that statistic, but I will. It would be nice for others to just offer a simple, “I’m sorry,” and change the subject. After all, would I ask you what color underwear you are wearing??