The Calm After the Storm

My son wanted a White Christmas...badly. So badly, that he had me e-mail “Santa” the night before and ask for “lots and lots of snow.” Well, we did get “lots and lots of snow,” in the form of a Blizzard! But just a day late for my son. I fibbed and told him that if it snowed as badly as it had on Christmas day, I wouldn’t have been able to have us go to my best friend’s house to celebrate Christmas. Which also meant that he wouldn’t have been able to play with my best friend’s son nor her sister’s two children that day. So my son forgave Santa.

When my son woke up early Sunday morning he was practically counting the snowflakes as they fluttered out of the clouds! He kept running to the windows to see if there was enough accumulation to make a snowman...or at least a snowball!

Then around midday, the storm really started to pick up. My husband relented and said he would take our son to a park near to where his Mother lives, because there are small hills to ride down on a sled. My son was ecstatic!! We packed up his snow gear and sled! Then Daddy took him off to have some fun in his 4-wheel drive vehicle!

As predicted, but uncertain to us, the blizzard came on so quickly and fast, my husband was not able to get home even in his 4-wheel drive. They detoured to his Mom’s instead.

                                                                       

At first I was disappointed because I had promised my son that I would make the ”biggest snowman ever” with him on Monday, once the storm subsided. Unfortunately, everyone was snowed in very badly. And the roads were completely impassable. I opened my back door to let my dog out that morning and 4 inches of snow fell onto the floor...from behind the storm door!! I pushed the storm door with all my might about 18 inches - just enough for my dog and I to squeeze through.

We were completely and literally snowed in. We have a plow service, but they hadn’t arrived yet. There were 5-foot snowdrifts against my garage. If I opened my front door, 2 feet of snow would have fallen into my house. This was definitely a “go no where, stay at home," kind of day. And I began to like it!! 

I kept looking out of the windows to see the beauty of the snow on tree limbs and foliage, weighing each bow down. The pure, white powder, blanketing our backyard. Untouched in any way. Even our snowman windsock looked like a holiday card! Which it just might become for next year! Nature was finally still, pristine, magnificent in it’s own incredible way.

I thought back to my child who started this life in very much the same way: Pristine and beautiful, as all babies are when they are born. You watch them grow. You see how your manners, values and lifestyle influence their growth. Both the good and the bad! Then our children go through a period when they mirror us. I can remember my son watching me put on make-up when he was 2 years old and trying some out himself, as my husband freaked out over seeing this! I knew this was just a phase. Now I have to beg and plead for my son to put a tiny bit of Chap Stick on his lips so that they don’t crack!

My son is at an age where he is highly influenced by the norms of society, especially through his peers. His way of speaking, his gestures, his humor all demonstrate this. What he likes to do or dislikes is becoming apparent and obviously somewhat influenced by his small world. Like a butterfly in its chrysalis, he is metamorphosing right before my eyes!

They say that the most influential and formative years, where a parent has the most affect on a child’s “core” nature is between the ages of birth and 7 years. In many ways I can see how my interactions with him have had positive affects. Now it’s society’s turn. How will he fair against the odds when his parents aren’t around? How much influence will his peers have on him - both good and not so good? Only time will tell.

In a few days we will have a new year. Good or bad, I’m always curious as to where it will take me. And my somewhat optimistic nature always tends to see it as a fresh start. A new beginning. A time to change. Always starting out fresh, pristine, and untouched. Just like the beauty outside my windows.

I wish all of our readers a very happy, healthy, amazing New Year! Let’s see where it takes us all!

Having Fun on Facebook

I must admit. I have absolutely no holiday spirit whatsoever. In fact, I was going to write this blog about my lethargic attitude regarding the Holidays and title it, “Skipping Christmas.” Then something unexpected, magical and all out FUN happened on Facebook a few nights ago!

I know many of you use Facebook as a source to either connect with friends and/or relatives. I do the same. Some of you even use it as a business avenue, as Motherhood Later does. Then there are those of us who love to play a couple of the games on Facebook. Yes, I hear the groans. But keep reading because you will at least enjoy the story!

I am a Farmville devote (I hear more groans, but also some cheers!). Since my life has been a whirlwind of chaos and stress over the past year and a half, I have gone onto Facebook and entered my farm site and when I am there, it is almost as if I am living in a different world. I can pick and choose how I want to decorate my farm. Decide what I want to participate in. And feel a sense of accomplishment as I watch my farm grow and beautify.

I started out with about three farm neighbors. Your farm neighbors help you tend to your farm and you reciprocate. Over this past year and a half, I have resurrected a forgotten friendship with a friend I worked with years ago. I also have her husband as a neighbor. This friend introduced me to several other farmers who wanted neighbors...people I’ve never met, but have had lovely conversations with outside of Farmville through the messaging medium. My best friend is my neighbor and has asked if I would take on several of her farm neighbors as well. They are funny, sweet people I would have never have met or known otherwise. I even have a set of teen twins as neighbors! Who would have thought??

There also seem to be patterns as to when certain neighbors play. There is the early morning group who play before they go to work (I know because my iPhone “dings” when they leave me a message on my farm site!). There are the mid-late afternoon players who want to get their “fix” in before they have to settle into their evening routines. Then there are the late night/early morning farmers. I typically fall into this category as my son doesn’t fall asleep until close to 10pm. Finally there are the “night owls,” who don’t start playing until 1am and go to 3 or 4am (again, my phone dings, so I know!).

Well, a few nights ago, I started out as a late-nighter, and ended up a “night owl!” Farmville puts various “missions” out at random points in time. Usually these missions involve collecting materials from your neighbors to build a barn or expand a chicken coop, etc. On this particular night, out came something new and different! This new mission was to build a snowman and have a snowball fight while you are doing it! I was having such a blast throwing snowballs at neighbors as they were quickly throwing them back, virtually! There must have been at least a half dozen of us playing all at the same time! You could barely get a snowball message posted when another snowball was virtually coming your way! At 1 am, no less! I was giggling and enjoying myself with my Farm Friends immensely!

The following morning, I entered my farm getting virtually smacked in the face by the early risers! The fun continued!

So, although I still may not be in the Holiday spirit, this game has certainly gotten me into the Winter spirit! At this point, I’ll take any spirit I can get!

(“Splat”...Ugh! They got me again!)

The Rejuvenation of the Spirit - By Cara Potapshyn Meyers

I went to a class at my Temple the other day to learn about the Prophets from the Bible (or Torah as it is called in Judaism). It is an 8 week course run by my favorite woman Rabbi. I initially was going to skip going. I had my excuses. I was still getting over Bronchitis; It was literally the coldest day we’ve had this month; I had errands to run, laundry to do, this blog to write, etc., etc., etc. But I went. And I can’t tell you how glad I did!

I was a little apprehensive going in to the group. The youngest person there was at least 15 years my senior. I was assuaged only by the fact that the Rabbi is probably 10 years younger than me! So I sat next to her!

I have found that almost everyone in this Temple, members as well as staff, are all so very warm and embracing. To my complete surprise, I wasn’t finding that with this group, except for an elderly man, probably in his 80s, who remembered me from another study group. But that didn’t dissuade me. I was there to learn and learn I did!

As I furiously wrote down facts and put together a chronology of sorts in my mind as to who was born when and what was happening in the world at what time, I felt a stirring inside me! That stirring was my love of learning and gaining knowledge in a room of quite learned, well educated people! As questions were thrown out and challenges to the text were issued, I became absorbed into this educational environment! And although I was clearly the youngest (except for the Rabbi, who is quite learned herself!), I found myself questioning ancient beliefs or trying to make sense out of practices that would simply never occur in the world today. I was transfixed. Mesmerized. In my element. The Grinch was slowly softening, as his (my) heart was growing 10 sizes too big! I was actually enjoying myself! 

I think I need to go to more classes. The everyday problems of my life are consuming me. More classes will probably not only distract me, but also engage me. I need to feel proud of my academic yearnings. Right now I feel dead inside. Lifeless. I don’t even know what is going on in the world. I need to reach out and embrace my innate need for knowledge and a better awareness of life as a whole.

There is a class I am planning on attending right after the New Year. It is a fresh start. A New Beginning. A new commitment. A place to go to stretch my mind, open up my social circle, and leave feeling not only smarter, but more empowered!

This past year has been beyond rough. It has been horrendous. It needs to change. I’m looking forward to change. I need it. Desperately. And I am going to do whatever I need to do to get myself back together. It is time.

A New Year. A lot of change. More positivity. I’m ready to go!

The Hassle of Interfaith Traditions

I will admit it. I am tired and overwhelmed celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas in our home. Thank goodness that at least the holidays are spread apart this year by a few weeks.

I’m exhausted. I am exhausted by my life. I am exhausted by issues with my son’s teacher that need to be resolved. And as my son is getting older, I am getting exhausted by his mile long list he has of items he wants for Hanukkah and Christmas.

Yes, we are raising him in the Jewish faith. But we don’t celebrate Christmas for it’s religious aspects. We celebrate it because, “it was Mommy’s tradition growing up.” 

My son believes in Santa...still! You would think by now, after going to Hebrew school for his third year and having Jewish friends, he would have been let in on the secret that, “No, Brandon...there isn’t a Santa Claus.” But my son is not buying it. Or at least he is so smart that if he let’s on that he realizes that there ISN’T a Santa Claus, he won’t get as many gifts. I am tending to lean towards the latter. However when he approached me this past weekend about writing up a list for Santa and wanting to mail it...stamps and all...I’m really not sure.

In any event, I’m tired. I’m tired of decorating for two holidays. I’m tired of wrapping gifts for two holidays. But I’m not so tired that I want to disappoint my son.

I tried to get away with using only our electric menorah to light a candle each night for Hanukkah. But my son loves to watch the real candles burn and was so let down when I told him we were only going to use the electric menorah, that I dug up the real one and we’ve been using it with real candles. And my son figured out how to use the “CHILD-PROOF” candle lighter!! That’s the most scary thing of all!! It is now locked away. I can’t believe he not only figured out how to use it, but has the strength and coordination TO use it!! I almost fainted when he showed me!!

Anyway...back to this past weekend. My son also wanted to put up our “Holiday Tree.” Due to our old one being too heavy and cumbersome to drag up from the basement myself, I donated it to someone who really needed one and bought a “pop-up” tree from Brookstone catalog. Although it is not as full and bushy as our old one, it was certainly MUCH easier to put up than our old one! And at the end of the season, it collapses flat, in it’s carry box. No more struggling to drag a massive tree up the stairs any more!! And my son just wants a tree to decorate. He really doesn’t care if it is “full and bushy” or not.

I will put stockings on our mantle, but that’s about all. No tchotchkes are coming out. No special dishes. No Hanukkah adornments. Nothing. Nada. None. Because really, the only one who really cares about the Holidays in our home is our son. And at his age, what REALLY matters are the gifts. So the Holidays are going to be streamlined to the absolute bare minimum this year.

The Grinch is residing in our home.

Gratitude and Reclaiming Family

For those of you who read my blog last week, you may recall how disappointed I was going to a restaurant for the first time ever for Thanksgiving. I mentioned that I was invited by cousins to go for dinner at an upscale restaurant. My son was also invited, but I didn’t think that he could sit for such a prolonged period of time with only adults. I made the decision to have my son go with my husband to his mother’s for Thanksgiving, where there would be other children for my son to play with, rather than be the only child, at a table, in a stuffy restaurant. It was the perfect decision!

From what I was told, my son had a splendid time with the two other boys at my in-law’s! He had such a good time that one family was sleeping over, so my son wanted to sleep over too! My husband came back to our house, collected items for my son’s overnight bag, and my husband and son stayed over my in-law’s Thanksgiving night!

I had my own fabulous time! I love getting together with my cousins because we always end up talking nonstop! And talk we did! We ended up taking most of our meals to go because we just couldn’t stop yakking! The bites of food I did try, were certainly delectable! I was shocked that this restaurant was able to produce a Thanksgiving dinner even better than I have ever had at home! It was beyond delicious! In any event, I digress.

I brought with me downloaded photos of family on my father’s side, from Michigan, who “found” me on Facebook. Last summer, the wife of my second cousin sent me a message asking if I was the daughter of Michael Potapshyn (just how many “Potapshyns” are there, really?). I responded that I was. Ever since, I have been corresponding with his wife (Maggie), her three daughters, and another second cousin who lives in California! As my cousins and I perused through the pictures, we unanimously decided that our other female cousin, who lives in Florida, looks exactly like Maggie’s middle daughter! And furthermore, my cousins then looked at Maggie’s first-born daughter and declared that I look very much like her! When I sent a message to Maggie later that evening, relating this observation, she said that she looked closely at some photos of me and of her eldest daughter, and that she agreed that there was a strong resemblance!

As our 5-course meal was concluding, and take-home bags were piling up, we decided to forgo dessert in the restaurant, as one of my cousins had an entire buffet of desserts waiting for us at her home. Still chatting away, we made our way back to her house. Once inside, as my cousins were setting up the “buffet,” I walked around the living room admiring my cousin’s taste in decoration. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted two photos on an end table that I had seen before, but not at my cousin’s house. When my father lived by himself, he had two ancient photos on his desk. Both photos were of his family circa 1920. In one of the photos, my father was a toddler, holding onto his father’s knee. My father at that age looked like the spitting image of my son when my son was a toddler! When my father became too elderly to manage living alone, we moved him closer to us. And in packing his belongings, I have a feeling he threw out those two photos.

I looked in every box, every drawer, every cabinet, and every closet, in search of those photos! I asked my father, whose memory was not very good at the time, if he knew what happened to those two photos. He couldn’t recall. Once my father passed away, I gave his home a complete and thorough going through, but to my utter disappointment, never found those photos. I was devastated.

Now, here were those same two photos, sitting on my cousin’s table! I became so excited, I squealed! My cousin thought something was wrong, but in my excitement, I joyously exclaimed, “You have them!! You have the pictures my father also had but I thought he threw them away!!” She joined in with my excitement and said, “Let’s scan them into the computer right now and e-mail them to you, so that you have copies of them!” There was excitement abound as we were scanning! We saw a very close resemblance of our paternal Grandfather to one of my cousins! We all knew that the oldest child died in childhood of an illness, but all of us were given conflicting stories. We were like kids again, sharing excitement over something that meshed us together! It was a fantastic, memorable moment!

Next my cousin went through a drawer and found photos of our parents with their family when our parents were probably in their 20s! My cousin had 4 of that particular photo, so she gave one to me, which I plan to scan into my computer for safekeeping!

I think the most important reason why I was so overjoyed by the discovery of these photos was really for my son. My father passed away when my son was 3 1/2. However my son still remembers my father vividly. I want to show my son the photo of his “Poppy” when Poppy was a toddler. And then put a photo of my son as a toddler next to it to show my son how similar they both looked at that same age! I also want my son to know that he has family other than my in-laws. I am an “only child” and my parents are both deceased. But we still have family of mine that lives close by as well as newfound family that lives in Michigan! And I would like to take my son to visit the “Michigan side of the family” at some point in time!

So, all told, I had an unexpectantly marvelous Thanksgiving, on so many levels! Sharing newfound relatives, spending quality time with existing ones, finding old photos of family that is now deceased and obtaining copies of these photos as keepsakes to share with my son! How more grateful could one possibly get?!

Well, there is one more thing I was grateful for. Delicious leftovers from our incredible meal the next day!!

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

Thanksgiving. I love this time of year. I love the beautiful changing colors of the leaves. I love going outside at night and smelling the woody smell of a fireplace burning in someone’s home. I love the anticipation of a Thanksgiving feast! I love all of the typical Thanksgiving foods! I even love preparing the Thanksgiving turkey myself! All 22 pounds of it! But this year Thanksgiving is going to be very different for me.

I’ve always celebrated Thanksgiving at home. First, when I was young, and my mother was still alive. She would set the dining room table with all of her fine china. And while I watched her cook her fabulous feast, I learned her “tricks” as to how her meal always came out so delicious! Then, when I celebrated Thanksgiving with just my father, he always made the first-of-the-season fire going all day in the fireplace! And while the fire was glowing, we would prepare our own, smaller feast to enjoy! Later, when I got married, we had Thanksgiving every year at my in-law’s home. My father was always there with his signature praline sweet potato pie! And for the past 15 years, I have always made the Thanksgiving turkey! Even when we lived in our first apartment and I had a small, dinky oven, I managed to get that bird into it and it always came out delicious!

My plans are different this year. I was invited by my cousins to celebrate Thanksgiving in a restaurant. This will be a whole new experience for me, as I always welcomed the warm, fuzzy, homey feeling of celebrating Thanksgiving in a home. My son will be going to my in-laws. I requested having him for Christmas to take him to my best friend’s house, where children his age will be frolicking and merriment will abound!

It feels odd for me to celebrate my favorite of all holidays in a restaurant. Even one that is going to be rather upscale. And although I have celebrated other holidays and events with my cousins, we never celebrated Thanksgiving together and I never spent it “alone” (meaning going by myself without other immediate family with me). This feels odd. But at the same time it feels loving and warm that my cousins thought enough of me to invite me with them.

Things change, I know. And the alternative was that I would have been at home with the dogs, probably eating a cheese sandwich. But this whole change really does feel so unsettling for me. I’m sure to get caught up in plenty of conversation with my cousins. Once we start, it’s hard to get us to stop! And I’m sure the food in this particular restaurant will be 5 Star. So I am certain that I will enjoy my meal. But, still, all of this feels “funny”. I just can’t shake this feeling, no matter how many positive spins I put on the occasion.

Well, I will certainly let you know how I fared with my next blog. In the interim, I thought I would leave you with a saying that is framed and hangs besides my bed:

Gratitude

There is no greater act than giving thanks.

Remember to acknowledge

the goodness in your life.

Quiet your mind, listen to your heart

and fill your soul with gratitude.

To all of our readers, I wish you a safe, joyful, warm and fuzzy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!

Children as Individuals

I came upon a post on Facebook from a friend last week that brought up a topic that elicited quite a few comments...most of them pretty intense.

The gist of the post was that teachers don’t see children as individuals. (This coming from a teacher, no less!!) We already know how I feel regarding my son’s teacher (see last week’s blog), but here was a thread of responses mirroring the very issue I brought up last week.

My friend did not express that ALL teachers present themselves in this manner. She did, however, give an example of how the teachers in a particular situation in my son’s school, completely disregarded a child’s needs because it went against their agenda. This frustrated the child and caused a huge scene. Many angry Moms related similar stories or validated the posts that were written.

So I asked myself, if this is going on with children other than my son, (and yes, it could just be our particular school, even though the school district is listed as one of the top 25 in the nation), what is going on in other schools? And how can teachers see their students as individuals? When I explained to a cousin that there were only 17 children in my son’s class, her response was, “Seventeen!!! When my daughter was in 2nd Grade (10 years ago), she had close to 30! How can children in a class of 17 NOT get more individualized attention?!” Good question!

So I investigated how teachers can see their students as individuals, and came up with this list:

The 9 Temperament Traits

Classic child development research conducted by Doctors Chess and Thomas has

identified 9 temperamental traits:

Activity Level: This is the child's "idle speed” or how active the child is generally. Is the child always on the go? Or, does the child prefer sedentary quiet activities? Highly active children may channel such extra energy into success in sports; may perform well in high-energy careers and may be able to keep up with many different responsibilities.

Distractibility: The degree of concentration and paying attention displayed when a child is not particularly interested in an activity. This trait refers to the ease with which external stimuli interfere with ongoing behavior. Does the child become sidetracked easily when attempting to follow routine or working on some activity? High distractibility is seen as positive when it is easy to divert a child from an undesirable behavior but seen as negative when it

prevents the child from finishing school work.

Intensity: The energy level of a response whether positive or negative. Does the child show pleasure or upset strongly and dramatically? Or does the child just get quiet when upset? Intense children are more likely to have their needs met and may have depth and delight of emotion rarely experienced by others. These children may be gifted in dramatic arts. Intense children tend to be exhausting to live with.

Regularity: The trait refers to the predictability of biological functions like appetite and sleep. Does the child get hungry or tired at predictable times? Or, is the child unpredictable in terms of hunger and tiredness? As grown-ups irregular individuals may do better than others with traveling as well as be likely to adapt to careers with unusual working hours.

Sensory Threshold: Related to how sensitive this child is to physical stimuli. It is the amount of stimulation (sounds, tastes, touch, temperature changes) needed to produce a response in the child. Does the child react positively or negatively to particular sounds? Does the child startle easily to sounds? Is the child a picky eater or will he eat almost anything? Does the child respond positively or negatively to the feel of clothing? Highly sensitive individuals are more likely to be artistic and creative.

Approach/Withdrawal: Refers to the child's characteristic response to a new situation or strangers. Does the child eagerly approach new situations or people? Or does the child seem hesitant and resistant when faced with new situations, people or things? Slow-to-warm up children tend to think before they act. They are less likely to act impulsively during adolescence.

Needless to say, my son falls high in every one of these categories. But does that make him a “bad” child? Not at all. In fact, if you channel these traits in positive directions, you can help a child reach even more than their potential. And these temperamental traits are not only helpful for teachers. Parents can use the same information to help see their children as the individuals their children are and channel their attributes appropriately.

I feel that both teachers and parents need to work together when a child has high needs in each of these temperamental traits. It CAN be done. But both sides must be willing to work together for the sake of the child! Ignoring or demeaning a child with high temperamental traits just leads to a combustible situation, as my Facebook friend relayed. Wouldn’t it be far easier and less stressful to use these traits and apply them to the children teachers are working with, so that a positive outcome or resolution of a problem can be quietly resolved?

Is this really too much to ask of a teacher?

Is this really too much to ask of us all?

For All the Great Teachers

My son’s teacher called this past week. The news was not too good. It appears that she has been having “quite a lot of difficulty” focusing my son and getting him to be attentive. In fact, his teacher had to fill out a questionnaire regarding my son’s behavior and academic performance and submit it to his ADD doctor. When we went to see his ADD doctor, the doctor informed us that my son’s teacher wrote “a scathing, hastily done, inconsistent” form. Based on the conversation I had with his teacher, I can just imagine what she wrote! From our conversation, it was quite apparent that she would love for our son to be placed in a different classroom! Yesterday!

The doctor was perplexed. Nothing in my son’s chart would indicate such a terrible report. And all reports from other professionals who have worked with my son indicate that, yes he does get antsy, and yes, he does need some refocusing. But the doctor feels that this sounds like a classic case of the wrong educator-student “fit.” We are in the process of getting reports from other professionals who deal with my son on a regular basis, such as his tutor and religious school teacher, to find out if my son’s grade school teacher’s report was an anomaly, or whether there truly is reason for concern. The professional consensus is that my son’s teacher either doesn’t want to bother refocusing him or redirecting him, or doesn’t have the proper skills to work with him. The school psychologist is going to spend quite a bit of time fleshing this out.

In the meantime, I would like to thank and honor ALL teachers, (yes, even my son’s), because it is truly a sacrifice to give of yourself to educate young minds. It is NOT an easy job. However there are those teachers who go just a bit above and beyond. Ones who take the time to reword a question for a child, or explain a topic in a slightly different way, to see that, “AaHa!” sparkle in a young one’s eyes! So below, is my own “Gratitude List” to all teachers who strive that extra little bit, and work a little harder, to see that each of their student’s succeeds.

I am grateful for teachers who recognize that certain children can have above average cognition, yet be stifled by faulty neurochemistry.

I am grateful for teachers who recognize that some children need to move around more than others. And these teachers nominate those restless kids to be the “go to” students. As an example, I have a friend who teaches Fifth Grade. One of her students needs breaks so that he can walk around periodically and stretch his legs. She refers to him as her “go to” student because if she needs something picked up from the Main Office, she will ask this young man to “go to” the office and pick up what is needed. Or she will ask him to help her distribute handouts to the class. She recognizes that he has a need to move and she respects that need with simple ways to incorporate his needs with her own.

I am grateful for all of the hard work Special Education teachers have to do. They need to have a whole basket full of skills to pull from to work with some of their students  successfully. Every child is unique and has their individual needs. I am grateful that there are teachers who choose to work in this area so that these children not only get the specialized attention that they need, but mostly they get it from teachers who truly care.

I am grateful for the ancillary professionals who work in schools. My best friend is an Occupational Therapist who works with Special Ed children in their schools. I am always amazed and envious at how easily she can deal with my son when I just want to tear my hair out at times. She has a unique way of relating to children who have special needs. I am so grateful that there are not only OTs but also Speech and Language Pathologists and special reading and math teachers who know how to “connect” with a certain child while watching them improve right before their eyes!

I am grateful for teachers who are flexible when they need to be, yet structured when a situation calls for it.

I am grateful for those teachers who call parents at home, having 30-minute conversations as to how to get through to your child. And I give them bonus points for calling on the weekends!

I am grateful to those teachers who may have to tailor certain homework assignments so that they still get completed, yet maybe a day or two later. And it’s okay with them.

I am grateful for teachers who allow bathroom and water fountain breaks. At the beginning of the year, my son’s teacher wanted every student to bring in a refillable water bottle so that they wouldn’t need “water fountain breaks.” My son needs water fountain breaks. I have yet to send in a refillable water bottle.

I am grateful when teachers make a big deal out of something that could be considered minor, yet the teacher knows it’s a big deal to that child, and lets the child know it!

I am grateful to almost every teacher I know who stays late to help a child, spends their “free time” gathering class supplies, and grading papers. I honestly think my son’s homework is either graded by an older student volunteer or one of her own kids, because the corrections look like young handwriting, not the teacher’s mature script.

And finally, I am grateful that there are so many terrific teachers who all want to make a difference in all young lives. Even if the children struggle, the teacher, in his or her heart, wants to see that child succeed!

So there is my list. I’m sure I am missing many other wonderful things that teachers do.

And feel free to include them in the comments! But these are the ones that are particularly important to me. I felt that for this month of giving “Thanks,” that I wouldn’t dwell on what my son is not getting, but to acknowledge what he and many other children are getting.

Working with a child who has educational challenges is not easy nor is it fun. As a parent of one of these types of children, I can attest to that. And when you have an educator who you know is capable of meeting your child’s needs and actively works with him to become successful, half your day is one huge relief!

What will happen with my son? No one is sure right now. It will probably take at least until January to sort everything out. Until then, I am his advocate and I will make certain that he is getting the respect and treatment he deserves. That’s what Mothers do. Stay tuned.

Potty Training: Part II

I should have known better. I should have listened more attentively. I am the kind of mother who pays attention to her child’s burgeoning milestones. But somehow, I missed the cues on this one.

When my son was 11 months old, he wanted to “walk” down the stairs face forward. I let him. I held on to his hands as he dragged one foot after the other down the flight of stairs. And then he would crawl to the top and we would start all over again. Everyone fought me, allowing my 11 month old, who wasn’t even walking yet, walk down the stairs face forward. “Teach him to crawl down backwards,” I heard. “You’re making a big mistake letting him do that,” was another comment (I defer to our Blogger, Laura Houston’s blog from last week here). Still, I held my head up high and said plainly, “He sees all of us walking down the stairs face forward, he is going to learn to do it eventually anyway, so why not teach him the proper way now and allow him to practice while supervised?” Still, I got horrified looks and comments.

At age 2, my son wanted to learn to cut using real, adult scissors. Not the blunt tip, children’s type. Real, sharp, adult scissors. He was relentless. We had them locked in a top drawer in our kitchen and my son would hang on the drawer, cry and tantrum, aching to use those scissors himself. One day, I couldn’t take it any more. I thought, “You want to learn to cut using real scissors, go ahead, let’s cut.” We sat on the floor for almost an hour with my son perfecting the cutting  of tape off a spool. Once all of the tape was used up, I explained that there was no more, but when I was able to get more, we would practice again. My son has never had a scissor injury, and every nursery school teacher had commented that they never saw a child my son’s age cut paper for crafts so well.

By age 3, my son was done with the toddler climbing apparatus at the park. He was ready to master the apparatus for ages 5 and up. I let him go. Again, I had horrified looks from parents. One mother could see my son’s Pull-Up sticking out above his pants and actually said, “Children who still wear diapers should not be playing on this equipment!” I asked her to show me where that “rule” was written anywhere in the park facility. She turned her back on me. My son mastered the “older children” apparatus. And when he was unsure of himself, he always knew to ask me to help him off. But in general, I let him test his wings to his heart’s content. And to this day, other than bruises, he has never injured himself doing any of the things he knew he was capable of doing. He even jumped off our local pool diving board at age 3 with my husband assisting him to the side of the pool. Today, at age 7, he does aerial flips off that same diving board and swims to the side himself. The lifeguards cringe. I stand next to them and reassure them that my son knows exactly what he is doing.

Finally, when it came to potty training between 2 - 3 years old, my son resisted with a vengeance. After getting into so many exhausting battles, I gave up and thought, “Fine.You want to take Pull-Ups in your backpack to Kindergarten and change them yourself, be my guest.” I literally gave up. My son was not ready to make this monumental change yet. I backed off and went my merry way.

One day, my son’s nursery school teacher pulled me aside on a Friday afternoon, when I went to pick my son up from nursery school. She said that he told her that he wanted to wear the Spider man underwear like the other boys. He was a little more than 3  and 1/2 at the time. So his teacher and I devised a plan that I would take him to buy Spider man underwear over the weekend, make a huge deal about wearing the underwear to school on Monday instead of Pull-Ups, and I would pack several changes of clothes and shoes should he have accidents during the day.

My son had one accident that first day, and never had another after that. He knew he was ready. He knew it was time to “graduate” to “big boy underwear.” By letting him take the lead, he was hugely successful! And it was all because I let him determine when he thought the time was right!

So, I was rather taken aback when my son, who has been wearing Huggies Goodnights to bed since he was 4, all of a sudden said to me that he didn’t want to wear them anymore. They were always fully saturated every morning. And my son is a very sound sleeper. There is no waking him in the middle of the night to take him to the bathroom. But I wanted to respect my son’s request even though the “evidence” proved otherwise.

I put a water absorbing liner on top of his sheet and explained that we would use it “just in case” of an accident. We also restricted his fluid intake 2 hours before he went to sleep. He also had to empty his bladder when we saw he was getting sleepy. And we sent him off to bed that first night with me thinking, “This is not going to work. He’s too sound a sleeper.”

My son did have an “accident” that first night. However he went 2 weeks straight after that night not wetting his bed at all!! He knew he could do it! He knew he was capable! Yet, to my surprise, after all of these years, I failed to see the cues and be more in touch with my son and his own understanding of meeting his own needs and milestones!

This past weekend marked 2 straight weeks of no accidents! I gave my son a “Medal” of accomplishment and I asked him to help me take the liner off the top of his bed! He was ecstatic! He graduated to “Big Boy” status!! Yet, unlike the times I knew he could accomplish certain risky things, this time I wasn’t so certain that my son would be as successful in this situation. But I did honor his request to try. And now I am as unsure as to who is more proud, my son or me!

I’ve always been highly in tune with my son. But I think that, of late, my own life events and personal issues have overridden being more in touch with my son and his emerging needs and fulfillments as he grows. I never want to lose that innate understanding of my son. And I always want us to have strong bonds through communication and nonverbal actions.

This was a huge wake-up call for me. One that I am taking quite seriously.

We started putting a Lego set together over the weekend but never finished it. I think tonight, it will be successfully completed!

The Biggest Pumpkin EVER!!!

My son’s favorite time of year is not his birthday. Nor is it the winter Holidays. His favorite time of year is Halloween! I find this quite ironic because he hates candy or sweets of any type (I am blessed with at least this!). But he loves to dress up and pretend he is something or someone else for a day when other children are doing the exact same thing!

Last year I wrote about my husband taking my son out to get a Power Ranger costume and coming home with a Ghost Rider costume instead! This year, they at least included me in their decision-making, and also to lessen the chance that, “Mommy will freak out!” They chose a Ghost buster costume. I’m satisfied, my husband didn’t care, and my son is elated! All is well in that department!

This year, my son has been obsessed with pumpkins. We are reading dozens of books about pumpkins! We tried to grow pumpkins in our backyard garden, however no pumpkins ever grew. I discovered the culprit...we call him the “buffet squirrel.” Pumpkin flowers need to be pollinated and mature into baby pumpkins. However this “buffet squirrel” ate all of the pumpkin flowers! I actually caught him in the act as he was munching away on one of the flowers! So, alas, disappointment arose when we discovered that none of our pumpkin seeds were given the chance to mature into baby pumpkins.

So, from the beginning of October, straight through the entire month, my son has been asking me relentlessly to visit pumpkin farms to find, “the biggest pumpkin EVER!!!” See, he has developed an annual ritual with his Grandfather. My son finds the biggest pumpkin he can, and his Grandfather takes tremendous pleasure in helping my son carve the pumpkin!

Well, off we went to the first pumpkin farm where my son found the “biggest pumpkin EVER!!! (See below). I have no idea how he managed to carry that thing! It weighed at least 25 pounds! And I pulled a back muscle hoisting that thing into the trunk of my car! But that was the pumpkin my son declared was the, “biggest pumpkin EVER,” so that was the one we bought!

After pulling a back muscle from this thing, I had my husband transfer the giant gourd to his car and take it to the “carving station” my Father-in-Law set up for the annual event! I stayed home and rested my aching back.

My son, his father and his Grandfather together had a hilarious and extraordinarily joyful time carving “the biggest pumpkin EVER!!! From what I understand, some type of power tools were involved in addition to the typical pumpkin carving tools I bought for this project. But I guess if you have to resort to using power tools on the, “biggest pumpkin EVER,” you have to use what is at your disposal to get the job done!

Below is the finished product both unlit, and lit. It proudly sits, decorating our front porch! I think it is beautiful and creative! But the most important aspect of this entire event was that my son’s wish was fulfilled by all of the family members who love him. And an annual bonding ritual once again came to fruition! I couldn’t ask for anything more for my son!

Although my son did ask to go to several other pumpkin farms to find an even bigger pumpkin than the one we originally found! I told him that I would be delighted to make play dates to meet with friends of his and choose some smaller pumpkins to decorate our home with. But the “biggest pumpkin EVER!!!” had already been found. We would have to wait until next year to resume our annual search.

Between you and me, my back was still on the mend from lifting the “biggest pumpkin EVER!!!”

A Very Special Place

I experienced another stressful and unexpected event in my life last week. I think I am getting used to all of these stressful and unexpected events that occur almost daily, if not weekly. This one, however, truly touched my soul. And it pertains to my dog, Maxi. My favorite of my two dogs. My “doggie soul mate,” if you will. Yet, unlike all of the other stressful and unexpected events that have been occurring in my life, this one has a very happy ending. However, I digress.

Last Thursday my husband and I took our dog, Maxi, for a check up. I knew going into the appointment that I had many questions and some anxiety about certain issues Maxi was experiencing. The biggest of those issues was that Maxi had 3 golf ball size fatty lipomas in his upper chest. We had one biopsied a year ago, which turned out to be benign. However, over the past year, Maxi developed two more, with one extending under his armpit. The Veterinarian who examined him last year, was concerned about the spreading of the lipoma because he told us that if the lipoma spread much more under the arm pit, it could put pressure on some nerves that run through the arm pit area and cause some nerve function difficulties, possibly making it difficult for Maxi to walk.

Maxi had other issues as well: He had something on his chest that looked like a Melanoma. He had a growth on one of his front paws that he licked constantly. The licking was causing a minor infection. He also had dental problems. And to my surprise, there was a mass growing on Maxi’s gums that the doctors were most concerned and suspicious of. And all of this had to be taken into consideration with Maxi’s age of 12 years old.

Knowing that Maxi is truly my dog, my husband deferred the decision of Maxi having surgery to me. And I had the option of having some of the issues taken care of, all of the issues dealt with, or do nothing. I asked the Vet what the procedure would entail if I decided to have everything taken care of. He outlined step by step what Maxi would be going through. Additionally, because we would having the surgery at this Veterinary Hospital, we were also told that we could leave Maxi for a few days in their “Rehab” area. In that area, he would be watched 24 hours a day by a Vet and assistant staff who would be doing all of the aftercare for Maxi such as change bandages, give medication, etc. That sealed the deal in my mind. Because we have another dog in our home along with a rambunctious child, I was enamored with the fact that Maxi would be in the main hospital facility for two days and then transferred to “rehab” after that for several days of aftercare. I gave the Vet the go ahead as my poor dog sat on my feet, trembling, and looking up to me for reassurance. I bent down, hugged him close and with as much mind power that I could muster, I told Maxi, through my eyes, that he would be perfectly fine, but that I would be there for him and he would absolutely be coming back home to me. I could swear I felt him trembling a little less after that.

Due to the fact that my husband had to go back to work, and we came with only one car, my husband drove me home so that I could get my own car along with my laptop to keep my mind distracted with busywork during the surgery.

As I was driving back to the hospital, the Vet called me on my cell phone to say that they took blood from Maxi and did chest x-rays to see if the lipomas has spread to a more dangerous or complicated degree. I was told that Maxi’s blood work was like “that of a puppy,” which meant that he would probably withstand anesthesia well. And the chest x-rays showed the lipomas with the spreading of tissue under the armpit, but nothing that looked dangerous. This meant Maxi was cleared for surgery.

From start to finish, the surgery took 6 hours. And this incredible Vet took the time to come out and explain what had been done with each issue that needed intervention. He was calm, warm, caring and compassionate. I needed this Vet as the one to oversee Maxi’s surgery. Heck, I needed this Vet to oversee me!

I prayed for a good outcome every step of the way. I asked God to watch over Maxi because besides my son, Maxi is all I have in this world. I wrote on Facebook for my friends to please pray for Maxi. I received an outpouring of well wishes and speedy recovery messages from that post, along with messages to help me think positively. My friends are a huge part of my world. They comforted me to no end.

And now for the special part. Once the surgery was over, the Vet came out to tell me how successful everything went. He knew I looked drained. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, as I felt nauseous throughout the whole 6-hour ordeal. He helped me pack up my things and told me to go home and that I could call later to check up on Maxi. I could have kissed this man. He was a hero in my eyes.

Now, the fact that this animal hospital has a “rehab” center is amazing in and of itself. It also has a boarding facility where healthy dogs are boarded when their owners go away. We board both of our dogs there too. And the staff in the boarding facility love Maxi just as much (well, maybe not just as much) as I do. When I spoke to the clerical staff, they put me on the phone with one of the young men who I knew well from the boarding area. He told me how well Maxi was doing. He also told me that he crawled into Maxi’s cage and laid down with him for about 15 minutes and rubbed Maxi’s back as Max gave this young man a “face bath.” I was shocked. Where would someone at an animal hospital get into an animal’s cage to comfort them? I told this young man that I absolutely couldn’t thank him enough and that he made my evening much less stressful knowing that someone gave my dog some extra attention.

The next day, Maxi was doing so well, that instead of spending two days in the hospital facility, Maxi was going to be transferred to the “rehab” facility a day early. When I spoke with another young man who happened to also love Maxi, he told me how well Max was doing and offered to take a couple pictures of Maxi with his cell phone and e-mail them to me (see below). I was blown away!! Where in the world would employees take the time to take a picture of your animal for you while in the hospital and e-mail them to you?? I told him he made my day like he couldn’t imagine.

And the most important thing was not only the love, caring and attention Maxi received, but that the same doctor called every single day, right after he finished “rounds” to give me a medical update on Maxi! I am blown away by this incredible and amazing facility. I have had family members in real hospitals that never received this level of care and attention!! And to even track down a doctor, any doctor, to find out how your family member was doing was a full-time job in and of itself!

My Maxi will probably be home and resting on my bed as you read this. I needed to share this incredible situation because I kept thinking, “What if it was my son who had this type of surgery?” I would be allowed to stay in his room and hold his little hand, but would he get the same level caring, love and compassion from the employees? Would he be made to feel as “special,” as my dog was? To be quite honest, I highly doubt it. I do know that Pediatric hospital staff tends to have more compassion and caring than employees who take care of the adult staff. But to find such exceptional care for a dog is beyond incredible. Perhaps actual medical staff that takes care of people should do rotations at this veterinary hospital. Maybe medicine, like old dogs, could be taught some necessary new tricks.

I would like to thank the entire staff at the Long Island Veterinary Specialists hospital. Every single employee made me and my dog feel special and cared for. The surgical team was exemplary. The rehab employees were priceless. And a very special thank you to Anthony and Eric for loving my dog as if he was their own!

When Life Gives You Lemons

 My lawyer dealt me a harsh blow this past week. She informed me that based on new divorce laws that are now in effect, the anticipated alimony (now termed “maintenance”) and child support I would have originally received, will most likely be halved. The word devastated doesn’t even describe my reaction. We even have a legal rental property that I was going to use to supplement income after my divorce that my husband is refusing to rent. And if the property is vacant for 12 months or more, it cannot be used as a legal rental anymore. Goodbye extra source of income.

I live in an expensive community. But one of the benefits of living in this community is that the school system is one of the nation’s best. I want that for my child. I want to continue to live in my house so that my son has the security and consistency of living in the home and community he has always known. I feel let down by the judicial system. I feel let down by my husband who is not willing to keep our rental property rented. I feel let down by the whole world.

But there is something inside of me that is telling me that even with all that will be taken away from me, I will have what truly matters. I will have my son. That alone is the real comfort to this debacle. I personally don’t need clothes, I have enough make-up samples to last a few years, and I can manicure my own nails and highlight my own hair. I don’t even need to eat that much food. I will spend what little I get making sure my son is well fed, well clothed, and well cared for. I will find a way to make ends meet. I will find a way to make money even though I will have to be home some days so that my son gets the tutoring he needs. Heck, I will sell some heirloom, expensive furniture if it allows my son and me to remain in our home.

If worse comes to worse, my son and I could live in our rental property and rent out our house. Not my first choice, but as a last resort. I will even empty my bank account except for a cushion of emergency money, to pay off our mortgage. I will go to whatever extremes necessary to allow my son and me to stay where we are.

And who knows, perhaps since my husband now knows he won’t become  bankrupt, maybe he’ll consider chipping in a bit of money to ensure that his son stays secure and will remain in our current school system. And he may possibly chip in to pay for camp and karate, and swim lessons and other activities my child loves.

I’ve spent several days now saying over and over, “Why me??!!” Why has my entire life been one horrendous devastating event after another?? I still don’t know the answer. To build character? To allow me to learn lessons that will prove to be beneficial for the next calamity that comes along in my life? Perhaps. I really don’t know. I do know that God has always been with me throughout all of these horrible events. And I do know that I am truly a good, decent, caring, gratuitous person. I just can’t figure out why I keep going through these cycles of misfortune.

But there has to be a greater reason for this misfortune to be occurring. I haven’t figured it out yet. But I know there IS a reason. I will admit that there was a small part of me that felt guilty that I was bankrupting my child’s father. Even though he deserves it. That guilt is gone now. I am more at peace with myself. Maybe my in-laws will help pay for my son to go to college. I was planning on using my own inheritance money for that, but that will be my emergency “cushion” of money now. Maybe there is a lesson I will learn that I just haven’t figured out yet.

My favorite dog has been around for quite a long time. I would be completely lost without him. My son would too. Maybe his longevity is a payoff also? If it is, I’ll take that at any price. Like I keep saying, there has to be meaning to all of this. Time will hopefully tell.

A Picture Tells...Maybe Nothing?

Last week, when I went to pick my son up from his after school program, one of the employees of the program asked to speak to me in person. She took me to the back of the room and showed me a picture that my son had drawn which showed a male person with genitalia. Knowing as much as I do about child psychology of a seven-year-old boy, my gut reaction was to giggle. But the seriousness of the matter on this employee’s face quickly made me stifle my laugh. She told me that because it was early in the year she was going to let it go...for now...but that if it continued, my son would be expelled from the program. I looked at her and thought, “You run a program for grade school children...do you know nothing about seven year old boys??” She obviously could use a refresher course.

Then I noticed that my son was sitting with a “friend,” whom I know from past experience, is an awful influence on my son. We even went so far as to have a meeting with the principal, requesting that my son and this other child not be placed in the same class for Second Grade. She honored our request. Every time my son spends even a small amount of time with this other boy, my son will begin to use inappropriate language or demonstrate what I term “toilet behavior.” We know it is the influence of this other child. Because when time goes by like a Winter Recess, the language and foul behavior diminish and then stops altogether. We have tried to talk to this child’s mother regarding this issue, but she never bothered to discuss it with her son and said that all of her son’s older male cousins speak and act like that, so there is nothing she could do. It was at that moment that we decided to limit the amount of time our son would spend with this boy. There is nothing we can do about lunch, recess, and the after school program, but other than those activities, our son does not see this other boy at all.

When I tried to explain to the employee that this other child has a history of instigating our son to do and say things he normally wouldn’t, the after school emplyoyee wouldn’t listen. Her response was, “This is his (the other boy) first day here and he has been playing very nicely today.” When I told her it was on school record that this other child has a history of bullying my son on the playground. The employee blew it off. All she cared about was the picture and the fact that if we didn’t get our son under control, he would be expelled from the program.

I next went to my therapist, who has extensive experience with grade school children, and showed her the picture. Her response was the same as mine. She wondered if any of these employees were trained, in any way, regarding child psychology of grade school children. She said what my son drew, albeit not very appropriate, was absolutely “normal” for a child his age. She then asked how my husband and I handled the situation with our son.

I told her that we all sat down together (which was a first in I can’t tell you how many months!) and asked our son why he drew the picture with male genitalia. Our son said, “It was an accident!” I calmly explained that spilling a cup of water because you forgot it was next to you is an accident. Or sometimes when I call my son my dog’s name or my dog my son’s name, it is an accident (yes, my dog is one of my children!). But when you draw anything, you have to think...even for a moment, what you want to put down on paper. I told him that what he did was not an accident. We also told him that we loved him no matter what he did, and nothing would ever change that. And we encouraged him to please be honest with us. When we point blank asked him if this other child asked him to draw the genitalia on the picture, he sheepishly said yes. Both my husband and I kissed and hugged him for being honest with us. We then tried to impart a little of a lifelong lesson in our son: We told him that there would be many times that other children, good friends or not, who would ask him to do things that were either inappropriate or wrong, especially if he felt it was wrong deep down inside of him. We implored that he think for a moment, if possible, (kids with Auditory Processing Disorder and ADD are neurologically wired to be impulsive), about what he was being asked to do and whether it was the right thing to do or not. Truthfully, my son has never drawn pictures of genitalia on anything he has ever created. In fact he usually draws scenery. In fact one of his paintings won an award! My therapist said we handled it beautifully and to just let the issue go from then on.

The following week, my husband went to pick up my son from the after school program and noticed that this same employee was having a serious conversation with the mother of the boy who made my son draw the inappropriate picture. My husband lingered because he wanted to see if this other boy’s mother would provide any further information about the incident that had occurred the week before. All this mother said was, “My son is in big, big trouble!!” That’s all we needed to hear. We now knew that the program employees knew that it wasn’t completely our son who was at fault. They now knew that this other boy does and says things that are just plain inappropriate in and of themselves.

My son was not punished for drawing what he did. We knew he was coerced. He would never have drawn anything like that on his own accord. But we do have consequences laid out for any future infractions that occur where we know he should have known better. And he is fully aware of this. But for goodness sake...would programs that work with a certain child population at least get a crash course on child psychology??? Sheesh!!