Is This a Playdate or Unpaid Caregiving?

My son, as many of the regular readers know, is the epitome of eight-year-old social chairman. He regularly has playdates all weekend long. Sometimes with a couple different children on the same day. I enjoy having his friends over or him being invited to other’s homes. It takes a "do nothing day" and makes it into something a little more special.

Lately, I have noticed that a couple of the Moms of my son's friends seem to be slowly taking advantage of my generosity in having their child over for a playdate. As an example, one Mom begged me to have her son over for "a couple hours," which turned into six. Later, I found out that her "emergency" was a workout at the gym followed by a manicure!

A different Mom said she needed somewhere for her son to go because they lost heat in her home. I readily obliged to have her son over and extended the invitation to her as well. She said that she was able to go somewhere else. Where did the Mom go? Out to lunch and then drinks with some friends! I can't help but wonder...have playdates turned into unpaid caregiving?

I sympathize with with some of these Moms. They either work full-time or are working, single Moms and need a break. But a little reciprocation would be appreciated. Most Moms will have my son over for a couple hours, maybe three. Just enough time for me to do a good grocery shopping. However, I am using my time for an essential activity. It is not a haircut or a massage. Also, when I have my son's friends over, for hours, I end up doing marathon laundry or a massive clean up of an overstuffed closet. Certainly not the most exciting things in the world. In fact, my son has one of his friends over right now. I was told this kid's Mom was getting the spider veins removed from her legs. Not only did her procedure take hours, I had to drop her son home because her legs swelled up and she couldn’t come to pick him up! At least I'm doing something productive like writing this blog. She's having an elective cosmetic procedure!

When the weather is nicer, the kids can play outside, we can go to the park, visit local farms, enjoy the pleasure of the outdoors. It is just these winter months that are the most irritating. And a day without a playdate...let's just say I would rather deal with the monsoon of toys that get strewn around my entire house.

One Mom asked me to drive her child home because she was "exhausted." I've had a Mom text me that she was running late, would I mind getting a pizza for the kids, and she never even offered to reimburse me for the food! This was at the end of an almost 7 hour playdate!

I've also noticed that none of my son's friend's help clean up the monsoon they created when it is time for them to go. I always ask my son if he helped clean up before we leave a friend’s home. Most of these Moms just rudely sit in their warm cars in my driveway, blasting the horn until their charge appears. To the contrary, I always walk to the front door of the friend’s home, even if the weather is brutal. I inquire about how the playdate went, then make sure that my son helped to clean up. I also make sure to remind my son to say “thank you” for the playdate to his friend as well as his friend’s Mom.

With a couple Moms, I decided to put my foot down. When my dog was sick and needed rest, not two wild, rambunctious kids bothering him, I said to a Mom that I would give her money to take my son to the movies or bowling together with her son, but I just couldn't have the kids playing at my house. The poor dog hides from them when he is feeling well! He didn't need these wild kids piling things on him when he wasn't feeling his best. The Mom appeared a little affronted, but I had reached my limit.

Playdates outside the home will also need to be either paid for upfront or by the other Mom at the counter. I went to get tickets for a popular movie an hour before the movie started, dropping my son off at his friend’s house on the way. I paid $58 for 2 adult tickets, 2 child tickets and 4,  3D glasses (they are no longer free.) How did she reciprocate? By buying a tub of popcorn, which included free refills, and a drink. The second drink came with the popcorn. I told her how much I spent and when she said she would pay for the popcorn and drinks, my reaction was, “huh”?

So what's a Mom to do? I have enough on my plate than to take on the position of unpaid caregiver. I already scheduled an activity for my son on Sunday mornings, so that other Moms wouldn’t be able to just drop their child off at 11 am and pick them up at dinner time (or later!). I tell the Moms that there is a 3 or 4 hour playdate limit at my house. I certainly don't expect my child to exceed that limit on his playdates at other's homes either. More than a few hours becomes a burden and the kids end up spiraling out of control. My son needs to realize that a whole day does not purely revolve around him. There is now also a “clean up rule.” Fifteen minutes before the playdate ends, both kids put the house back in order. 

Maybe then, playdates will be something to be looked forward to by both my son and me!

My Son...The Treasurer?

My son is a natural born leader. I don’t say this just to puff myself up. In fact, I envy his innate abilities. I’ve witnessed his talents since he was a toddler. The kid just has what it takes. You can spot it a mile away.

His elementary school decided to form a Student Government. Two children from the 3rd, 4th and 5th grades were chosen to form the committee. I asked my son’s teacher how it came to be that my son was chosen. She said that first each 3rd grade class had to nominate one person. Then the individual class nominees were up for democratic voting by all of their 3rd grade peers. My son won! What an incredible honor! I can’t even think of two kids I was even close to when I was in 3rd grade!

It didn’t surprise me that my son was chosen. The kid can make friends with a tree. What did surprise me was that my son has learning disorders and the school administration is still allowing my son to participate. I give the school kudos. Especially since it took two agonizing years to get special services for my son.

My son is beyond elated! He was dressed and ready to go to his first meeting last week an hour ahead of schedule. He nagged us to go to the school before it was even open! He glowed when he told us how his first meeting went. A plethora of creative ideas for various goals were spewing out of my son’s mouth so fast, I thought he would pass out from not taking a breath! Now the Student Government must decide a President, Secretary and Treasurer. Only fifth graders are allowed to run for President; fourth graders for Secretary and third graders for Treasurer. Guess who wants to run for Treasurer?

My son has no problems with math or money comprehension. Thankfully, math is one area he excels at. My only fear for him is that he has to write a speech to present to his peers explaining why he should be chosen as Treasurer. A speech. Something you have to write. An area where all of his deficits lie.

We engaged his tutor to help him with his speech. It is basic. Not terribly convincing. However, I can visualize my son making this rather dry speech into something completely engaging. He has that “gift.”

I, the “Free Range Mom” who practically throws my son out of the nest, shouting, “Go for it!” am a little apprehensive for my son. He is getting better at dealing with failure. Yet, he is so convinced that he will be chosen as Treasurer, that if he is not chosen, I will be wondering whether it is because of his learning deficits. I would never relay these fears of mine to him. But I will be thinking of it. A lot.

I should, and am so grateful that my son was nominated and chosen to represent his class. He has myriad ideas about fundraising, raising money for charities, inspiring more “school spirit,” etc. He will be a perfect asset to the Student Government regardless whether he wins as Treasurer or not. Still, that nagging doubt will remain in the back of my head if he does not get chosen.

I want my son to win as Treasurer. I want him to win because I know he can carry out his responsibilities and be a highly enthusiastic part of the team. I want him to win because even though his writing and reading are sub-par, he can still show the world that he can accomplish what he sets his mind to regardless of his deficits. I want the school to see that regardless of “disabilities,” there are many ways a child can prove their value and worthiness. I want him to continue to nurture his amazing, innate characteristics! They have gotten him quite far in his short life. I want them to take him to the moon and back. And just possibly, to the Presidency!

I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed. Toes too! You go, kid!!

Chore Chart

Now that the holidays are behind us, and some routines for your child may have "relaxed" during this time, it is a terrific time to re-establish more structure for your family. To help your family get back on track and start the New Year off right, we came upon just the right solution for you!

I was excited to be invited to try out an online scheduling site called, "GoalForIt." This excellent online resource provides a variety of free solutions for personal success that are easy to use and can help bring more focus, balance and fulfillment into everyday living. I particularly love their simple-to-use Chore Chart, which can help children of all ages learn essential skills in a fun and rewarding way.

This FREE Chore Chart can help teach kids, tweens & teens many important lessons, including:

Responsibility:

Chore Chart is an ideal way to help your kids feel like they are making a contribution to their family by doing their part around the house.

Understanding right from wrong:

Setting behavior goals is an important way to help children strengthen their character and judgment.

Healthy Habits:

Teaching good habits involving nutrition and physical activity are the cornerstone of preventing obesity in children and adolescents.

Money Matters:

The optional point system teaches children three important lessons for managing money; earning, spending and saving.

I went to the site and set up my personal account. My focus was to make up a Chore Chart that my son could reasonably follow. This site is incredibly simple to use. To create a personalized chart, you choose a "background" that you or your child likes. You then go to the category options (ie. chores, behavior, healthy eating, etc.) and click on the goals that you would like to see on your chart. I was able to combine one chart to include not only chores, but also behavior goals and healthy habits. Then I selected how many times per week I thought my son could reasonably achieve these goals on a daily and weekly basis. This allowed both of us to see the big picture of how well my son was able to successfully carry out his goals. That's it! I made one up in just a few minutes. I had the option to print out the charts for a few weeks, complete with dates, enter the daily information directly to the website, or do a combination of both.

Once the chart was completed for the day, I had the option of entering how well my son did onto the website on a daily basis or at any other point in time. This process took virtually just a couple minutes. We would click on the appropriate day and goal. Then my son got to choose which type of “sticker” he could apply to that goal once it was finished. At the end of the week, I could print out a summary to review with my son. We could easily see where he would be rewarded or given a chance to try harder to complete the goals for the next week. We could even go back into the site and modify goals that we felt were more unreasonable for my son to achieve. There is even a “Moolah” button you can use to “bank” points for actual money. Overall, it was a fun, interactive way to work with your child to both empower him/her or to set and achieve reasonable goals. The site also offers suggestions about both rewarding your child or working on ways for your child to be more responsible for his/her goals.

My son was able to easily achieve most of the goals I set up for him. As he becomes better at being able to meet all of his goals, we can then collaborate together and work on either increasing the number of times he would need to meet a goal per week or add additional categories to his chart. We can even create our own personal goals. The Chore Chart is completely customizable and flexible.

I plan to continue to use the Chore Chart system! With it's ease of use and completely customizable system, I even want to make up a chart for myself! The website is user-friendly, simple to use and best of all...it WORKS!

Try it out with your family. Not only is it FREE, but it is simple to use. Best of all, my son actually likes it! With any child, that is half the battle! 

Here's to 2012 — by Margaret Hart

This is my first blog in the New Year, and I'd like to write something meaningful and inspirational, but I'm finding myself to be somewhat at a loss for words. I'm sort of temporarily tapped out.  Since early November, I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off getting ready for this and that, and now that the excitement of all the holidays is over, the company has left, and my son goes back to school tomorrow, there is a satisfying lull in my routine. I have nothing urgent on my calendar until February. And I'm liking this peaceful time of nothing pressing to do.  

Like most people, however, I am thinking about what I'd like to accomplish this year. My to-do list is always a mile long, but there are a few must-do priorities at the top. I'm not a "resolutions" type of person, I'm a goals and priorities gal, and one of the top goals is to continue to make my health a priority. As many moms know, we often put ourselves second or third to our children, our husbands, our jobs, and our pets. I made a conscious decision in 2010 to make myself a priority and started working out with a trainer and seeing a nutritionist. Thankfully, my husband is supportive and my son, who is the most health conscious seven-year-old I know, rarely wants to eat anything fattening or sugary, so I get a lot of support in my household.

Another big priority is to continue to focus on the next phase in my career, which I voluntarily stepped away from when my son was born. While he's been growing, I've enjoyed freelancing at my own pace, providing me with the flexibility to be a full-time mom.  Now that my son is becoming more and more independent, the economy is picking up, and I am seeing more opportunities, I am reviewing my options. Many of the stay-at-home moms I met last year when my son entered Kindergarten have gone back to work; some out of necessity, and others because they missed being in the workforce. I am torn.  I miss being in the workforce. But I know I'll miss being a full-time mom.  And I'm scared at the prospect of relinquishing control to a nanny.  I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

One of the biggest challenges I expect to face this year is taking on guardianship of my younger sister who  has down's syndrome and currently lives in a group home near my parents in Maine.  My parents are now in their early 70s, and it's getting harder for them to supervise her care. It's time for me to step into a role I have been anticipating for many years.  I'll be overseeing her transition to a group home in Connecticut, and becoming her full-time guardian ensuring all  her needs are met.  Fortunately, she is high functioning, relatively independent, and social, so I'm hopeful she will be happy making new friends and getting involved in  new activities. 

I'm looking forward to 2012 being a year of positive change for me and my family.  And even though I say every  year that I'm going to slow down, not take on so many projects, and try not to do too much, I know that I will. It's in my nature. If  I'm not running around with my  hair on fire, I'm bored. 

So here's to the New Year!  As my son likes to say, "Go like the wind Bulls Eye."