The Sweetness and Sorrow of Ceremonies

A couple weekends ago, my son and I went to the Communion ceremony of my best friend’s son. Considering that I had never participated in a communion ceremony and my son is being raised Jewish, this was a brand new experience for both of us.

We were escorted to chairs on the side of the alter, with the other guests, and were lucky enough to get front row seats. While we waited for the procession of children seeking Communion to arrive, my son had many questions. Why did the “bad men” do that to Jesus (nail him to the cross)? Why are the children eating those round things and all drinking out of that cup? Don’t they know they can get germs by doing that? And many other questions about the differences between the two religions. I tried to answer each of his questions as simply but as completely as possible. A daunting task when it comes to religion.

At one point, my son wanted me to put my arm around him, hugging him close. He held onto my dangling hand. He then asked, “Mommy? All of the girls look like brides. Why do they have to look like brides?” I explained that by wearing a white dress and a veil, it is as if they are “marrying” or becoming closer to God in the Church. At that moment, my son pointed to my wedding band, which I wear on my right hand, the hand he was holding. He asked, “Mommy? Is that your wedding ring?” I told him that it was. He then carefully slid it off of my finger and immediately replaced it. Then he said to me, “See, now we are married, Mommy.” There is much to analyze about this, but we’ll save that for the professionals. His gesture, however, triggered an interesting feeling in my heart. Considering that my wedding anniversary will be this coming weekend, having my son pronounce his desire to be committed to me and love me unconditionally forever, brought back those giddy feelings I felt 16 years ago when my husband put that very same ring on my finger. Only when my son did it, the feelings felt deeper and truer. This is probably attributed to the fact that a Mother and child, especially a son, have an extremely close bond. I feel that bond with my son every second of the day. But with my son symbolically wanting to “marry” me, it made me feel that, unlike his father, my son will never betray me. He will never abandon me. He will always be there for me. “In good times and in bad.” Completely unlike his father. And instead of grieving for the loss of my marriage, I felt secure that there is one person in this world who WILL be mine forever. Until death does us part. Or he finds a spouse.

My therapist warned me about little boys my son’s age going through the Oedipal Syndrome (where the little boy wants his mother all to himself, while pushing his father away from his mother). Well, his father is about as far away as he can get, right now. But I am making sure that my son knows that Daddy loves him just as much as I do. And that there is no reason to push Daddy away. I will always be here for my son. Still, my son wants me. He needs me. He knows deep down inside that I completely understand him, inside and out. So let him hang on to me for a while longer. In a couple years, I will be, “Mommy who”?

As for my anniversary, I will dig up all the fun memories from last year when I whisked myself away to the Bahamas for 5 days. I tried to go this year, but although the hotel prices were reasonable, the flights cost half an arm and a leg due to the high fuel prices and surcharges. The rates were ridiculous. So, instead, out came the t-shirts, the cheap, beachy jewelry, and the photos I took on my excursion. Last year was a milestone anniversary. I had to remove myself from this continent and distract myself with pristine beauty and fun. I got what I went for. This year will be solemn. My husband has a wedding to go to on the day we got married. I wonder how or whether that will affect him at all? In any event, I’ll spend time with my son and maybe even go to our local pool. I’ll lie on a lounge chair, close my eyes, and reflect back to my time in the Bahamas. I will be with the sweetest little man, who loves me so much, he wants to “marry” me. At this point in my life, what more could I ask for?

Keeping Up With the...Benjamins?

 The following is a direct quote from a posting on Facebook last week, written by a Mom friend of mine:

“I was just told by my kid that I’m the worst Mom ever for not buying him a new (Nintendo) DS. While that was hurtful, I told him that there is special training for that at Mom School and that I won the Best ‘Worst Mom in Training’ award! The nerve!”

This posting elicited more than fifteen responses from other supportive Moms, including me:

“My son said that there were only 4 kids in school who didn’t have (Nintendo) DS games and he was one of them. I responded by asking him, “Do they have their own laptops like you do (my hand-me-down), and not have to share them with a brother or sister? And do they have their own iPhone to play a thousand different games on (also my hand-me-down...no cell service though)? He said, Um, no.” So I told him that he was pretty lucky and privileged even without a (Nintendo) DS. That left him speechless.”

I bring this up because my husband and I have been going through this “DS Drama” for a few weeks now. And although the Mom I quoted received quite a few accolades for the creative comeback she quickly thought of, it still is not getting to the root of the problem, nor is it teaching her child where the line has been crossed. This same Mom posted after mine that although she liked my post, her kids were, “So teched out, it wasn’t even funny.” So where is that line?

I wrote a few weeks back about wanting to “fit in” with my peers at age fourteen by having Levi jeans with the leather tag on the back. But that was probably a $20 pair of jeans. Yes, expensive for jeans 30 years ago but not in comparison to a $130+ Nintendo DS, where each game costs between $15-30! There is even a service similar to Netflix called “GameFly” where you can rent games for an unlimited amount of time, but with a monthly fee attached.

My husband and I have been intensely debating this “DS” issue and how to make it purposeful. During this time, with my assistance, but with my son’s own money, he bought an accessory kit for a DS he doesn’t even own yet. I suggested he could temporarily use it to carry his iPhone in, (which he constantly misplaces. More on that in a minute), and his response was, “No, Mommy. This case is ONLY for my DS.” The one he doesn’t have yet. He also has a DS game, this time with my husband’s assistance, but with my son’s money to purchase it. (This kid has been offering and doing quite a lot of extra chores around and outside of the house).

Right now many of you are thinking, “But both you and your husband are in the position of Enablers! You are giving this child what he wants, but in a circumferous way!” Yes, and no. We made a deal with our son that he has to save up his own money to pay for half of whichever DS he wants. At a starting price of $130, that’s a lot of saving. And the cruel part of this is that Nintendo has just released a 3D DS game, which costs close to $300. And guess which kid is going to be one of only four kids in the whole school who does not have a 3D DS game, six months from now? You guessed correctly.

Now, here’s what I don’t quite understand. My son uses my old iPhone, which he plays pre-approved games on. There are probably close to 100 games on this little gadget, so you don’t have to carry (and risk losing) any of the games. Most of the games were either free or close to $.99. Many of them are quite similar to DS games. And the best part? My son’s phone is wirelessly connected to a service I have for my own iPhone, where if it gets lost, I can lock it down so that it cannot be used and even post my husband’s work number on the screen with a message saying, “If found, please call xxx....” Try doing that with a DS!

There is also another concern I have. Children with Auditory Processing Disorder and ADD, like my son, are notorious for losing and misplacing things. I can’t tell you how many mad dashes there have been, on most mornings, looking for my husband’s keys (he also has ADD). I even put up a key holder for him to put his keys on when he walked in the door. He never used it. We use it for dog leashes now. My point is, why give a kid, who is prone to misplacing/losing things, an expensive item, which has styluses which can easily get lost, game cartridges which could easily be lost, heck, the whole DS could easily be lost! But as a Mother who has continually allowed her son to take chances and face the consequences when necessary, I am allowing my son to have his DS. If he has to work to obtain it, he might covet it enough to limit losing all of the little accessories. And he will have to pay for whichever accessories he does lose. And if he loses the actual Nintendo DS, I will comfort his loss, but will not replace it.

It is going to be a few months before my son saves up enough money to buy whichever DS he chooses. In the meantime, we will be working on responsibility. Coming home with a forgotten lunch tote or rain jacket is not conducive to being a responsible person. However, my son didn’t purchase those items himself. We have an interesting test coming up in our lives.

Stay tuned...I am certain there will be more to come!

Unearthing My Inner Athlete

Growing up, I didn’t exactly consider myself anything close to being an “athlete”. However, when I entered high school, my best friend coerced me into trying out for the Swim Team. We both wanted to lose some weight and she said that you burn a lot of calories by swimming (which you do). I admit that although I made the team, I was probably the worst swimmer on the team. Not because of my ability (I could do all of the swim strokes, even the Butterfly), but as opposed to my best friend who is genetically muscular, my body likes to insulate itself with fat. My muscles are buried deep down under those layers of fat. However, I did loose some weight and the experience opened up other opportunities for my “inner athlete” to surface.

When I was in college, Aerobic Classes were all the rage. I loved them! I loved them to the point that I ended up teaching the classes at my college, and later at a health club. Those were the days before you needed to be certified to teach Aerobics Classes. By the time certification was required, I was entering a very challenging Masters program. I studied night and day, every single day. Exercise didn’t exist in my life for those two years. 

Once I graduated, I got a job and exercise again became a big part of my life. Only this time I could afford working out at health clubs. I was a regular several days a week. I even met my husband at the gym.

Then an unfortunate calamity occurred. Three months after I married, I was in a car accident that  injured my shoulder and gave me chronic pain for over four years. I had 2 years of physical therapy (back in the days when you could get more than 10 visits covered by insurance). I also tried every therapeutic modality there was - both traditional western as well as eastern medicine. By some miracle, acupuncture did the trick! I was never cured (and never will be, I still get pain now and then), but the acupuncture allowed me to at least be a part of life. I went to acupuncture for 2 years and slowly weaned off. Since I couldn’t use my upper body extensively (I had a complicated shoulder injury), I could only do types of exercise that were predominantly lower body. I found walking.

Walking became my new obsession. I even had several pedometers to use for different walks. I walked year round. And when my husband and I got dogs, we walked them to get some of their “puppy energy” out. I even did a few of the Susan B. Komen walk-a-thons. And my best friend introduced me to trail walking (I considered it hiking). We would meet once a week for our 5 mile “trail walk.” Then I became pregnant.

When I went to my first OB visit, they found out that I had high blood pressure and was immediately sent to a High Risk group of Obstetricians. My high blood pressure somehow resolved, but the high risk doctors kept cautioning me not to do too much strenuous activity. Between the insatiable tiredness the first trimester, and the coldest winter in history during my second trimester, by the time I was cleared to do some moderate walking, it was heading into summer. And by 34 weeks gestation, I had to be put on modified best rest for the duration of my pregnancy.

Then all “formal” exercise stopped. I had a colicky, reflux, non-sleeping baby which lasted a good 6 months, if not more. My son officially started to sleep for at least 5 hours at a time right before his third birthday. I was a zombie. Add to that a diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which caused me to gain over 50 pounds in 2 years and you have a totally burnt-out, obese, slug of a Mom. I was done with exercise. And with an over-the-top, active child, my constant fantasy was a big, fluffy pillow, cozy comforter, and a straight 7-8 hours of sleep. In fact, my first two Mother’s Day requests were exactly that. I didn’t want to go out to a fancy restaurant or celebrate with family. I wanted sleep and only sleep.

Now, five years later, and 60+ pounds lighter, I still crave sleep. However both my son and my dog are bringing out that inner athlete that has been dormant all these years. My husband used to work at home and would take our dogs on 1 - 3 mile walks practically every day. I think that contributed to their longevity and good health. Eight months ago, my husband moved his office, taking our older female dog with him, but leaving our male dog at home. Coincidentally, our male dog has needed 3 surgeries in the past 8 months. I came home one afternoon and looked at my dog who had the saddest look on his face. I immediately said to him, “Maxi...we’re going for a nice walk! No more of this lying around doing nothing. You look like you are rusting.” He heard the word, “walk,” and immediately got up. He met some “friends” on his walk; He got to sniff the world and smell the Spring air. Most importantly, he was smiling! And I got a face full of kisses when we returned!

Around the time I decided to take my dog for daily walks, my son wanted to visit our local park on any nice day after school. Evidently someone had introduced him to Handball and he wanted to practice his technique whenever he could. If he made a friend at the park, the two of them would play until the other child either became tired or had to go home. Then it was my turn to be the “substitute” player until another friend came along. I must say, my son is a very good teacher. I started out trying to play tennis with the handball until my son corrected my technique. Then we became quite good competitors! I’m not sure if the other Moms who were standing around conversing thought I was a total nut. It didn’t matter to me because I was bonding with my son on a completely different level. We usually bond cuddling in his bed or spending downtime together. But here we were bonding while being active and enjoying the sport and casual competitiveness. And I admit I enjoy being outside and moving around! I am feeling really good being active again!

So, although resurrecting an exercise routine was the absolute last thing I was planning to do in my life, it’s turning out to be one of the best. I ran into a woman, while walking my dog the other day who had the same breed dog. She said she walked her dog every day...and her dog was 18 years old! Considering that our female dog is 17 years old and my husband still takes her for good walks during his lunch break, there should be no reason why my male dog couldn’t live as long.

The two best gifts of my life: Continuing to cultivate stronger and stronger bonds with my son and having my sweet dog by my side. They will both ensure that I stay healthy and loved!

Things My Child Has Taught Me

As parents, we are constantly teaching our children. It may be overt teaching, role modeling, or simple day-to-day interactions. Conversely, our children are always learning, whether it be through formal education, social interaction, or simple observation of the world around them. There is always something we can always learn.

This past weekend was filled with situations that were fuel for reflection. I would like to share what I learned and even get some feedback from our readers as to what they have learned through being a parent.

1.  Family is the most important aspect of a child’s life.

2.  If a person has even one individual in their life that they trust and feel completely secure with, then they have what they need to feel fulfilled as a human being.

3.  Yes, a dog, or other pet, can, at times, be a sibling.

4.  All work, and no play, can stifle our imagination, our creativity, and lead us to burn out.

5.  Exercise that doesn’t feel like exercise is the best type of exercise of all!

6.  Even 48 year-old, out-of-shape, Moms can learn to play handball!

7.  The best bonding is usually found either through car rides, or sitting together with Legos or a puzzle.

8.  It’s okay if you want to wear your underpants backwards. Who’s going to check?

9.  It’s good to be persistent. It may make a Mother’s hair turn prematurely gray and she may need to hide in the bathroom and count to 1,000, but if your child is motivated to achieve something, or get something done, perseverance and persistence will get them there! Don’t squelch it!

10. Go outside. There is a wonder that nature provides during every season.

11. Introduce yourself to new people. My son does this all the time. I can’t tell you how much fun he has had by walking up to other children around his age and saying, “Hi! I’m Brandon! Want to play?” To my knowledge, his tactic hasn’t failed yet!

12. Leaving the house with two socks on and entering the house with only one can be liberating.

13. When you are down in the dumps and nothing seems to pick up your spirits, go see a movie about hip-hop, singing and dancing birds!

14. Sleep when your child sleeps! Even if that is at 8:30pm! You might find that waking up completely refreshed, rather than putting that last load of laundry away or emptying the dishwasher was so worth it!

15. Children get dirty, especially boys. That’s why boy’s clothing comes in ugly, drab, dark colors. And also why there are 15 different types of stain removers in stores.

16. Show your affection. If you are home, there is no need to ask permission. If you are out in public, ask out of courtesy. And hug like you never want them to leave!