The New Journey

As a sequel to my former two blogs, I continue with my issue of divorce, but in a much more positive way. From the comments from last week’s blog, as well as some very meaningful advice from my therapist and even my Rabbi, I’ve begun what we are referring to as my “New Journey.”

This all started when I sat with my therapist and began to lambaste my husband about the new things he is doing (such as going skiing), with my son. I ranted and raved that I used to ski, but gave it up because my husband had no interest in it. My therapist then explained to me what she terms, “The Journey.”

As she described it, many people go through different “Journeys” during their lifetimes. Some couples are able to manage going through these journeys together. Other couples end up apart, because their personal journeys conflict for some reason and the couple is unable to merge their journeys together. She was essentially saying that my husband and I have grown apart in certain ways. And although I was willing to try to “merge” our different interests, he was not. She said that for some reason, he doesn’t want to include you on his new path in life. He wants something different. And he wants to do it alone or only include our son.

As painful as it was to hear this, I had to admit that my husband and I had been pursuing interests that neither one of us would have wanted to participate in. I no more would want to participate in an all day bike-a-thon than he would want to learn about theology. Our paths were already diverging.

My Rabbi, coincidentally, also used the word “journey” when I was discussing my current state of mind. She also felt that sometimes two people come together and have common interests and goals, only to find out that they have literally grown out of each other. And she reiterated that my husband already has started to move on and that I needed to try to do the same as well. Walking around with bitterness and resentment regarding a situation I can and never will be able to change is counter productive, at the least. I need to move on also.

My only lingering question to both my therapist and Rabbi was, “But what about my son? He is an innocent victim in all of this.” They both eluded that he would have to form his own “journey” through all of this. And if he needed counseling to help him do that, I would provide it.

So, here I am embarking on my New Journey. To be quite honest, I don’t even know what that is or where I am going. Except for taking a new class in theology, not much has changed in my life. Except for one really important thing:  My son has needed to go to bed much earlier the past couple of weeks because he is now sleeping longer than his usual 8 hours. Once we turn out the lights, he asks to hold my hand or arm as he drifts off. At first I was annoyed that I had to spend that extra time doing “nothing.” But I heard my therapist’s voice in the back of my head saying, “He is regressing a little. He’s clinging because he needs you.” So I decided to take the time I now use to help him fall asleep and utilize it towards something I used to do religiously, but found I was unable to fit it in at all in my chaotic life: Meditate. I sit on the floor, next to my son’s bed, as he holds my hand with his little one, and I clear my mind and breathe long, deep, slow breaths. And I realized a couple days ago that I was beginning my New Journey! I was starting to meditate again! And hopefully this will work its way into other facets of my life. Eventually my new path will be filled with new endeavors, new people and new goals. And I will have my son to share what I find interesting in my journey.

Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings

~ Tao Te Ching ~

I couldn’t have said it more eloquently myself.

What is “Better?”

“BETTER” - of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness, preferable”

I must admit that I was humbled by the number of concerned and genuine written and verbal comments my blog elicited last week. However, as true as all of the comments were, the essence that I took away from all of them was that my life would eventually “get better.” So I began to ponder both my life and the term, “better.” I came up with a list of questions that will sound bitter, and angry, and sarcastic because...well...I AM feeling bitter, angry and sarcastic. So, for those of you who truly had my best intentions in mind, and I sincerely appreciated all of them, please see past the bitter feelings and reflect on these questions:

Is “better” having my son ripped from his family unit and having to share time between two parents?

Is “better” being a single Mom to a child with multiple learning disabilities, and having to be the primary caretaker?

Is “better” having a child learn to deal with two different parenting styles, one of which is completely against his nature?

Is “better” having to pay a divorce lawyer almost $2000 of what was going to be my son’s college money just to fill out stupid, inane, paperwork when my child could have perhaps put that money into 2 college classes later in life?

Is “better” having one of your two pets, both of which your child adores, practically taken away because that pet favors the other parent?

Is “better” having to deal with stress related illnesses just about every single day, watching your own body become feeble and frail in the process?

Is “better” having a child have to share holidays, vacations and birthdays between each parent?

Is “better” attending a special event of your child’s, standing on the opposite side of the room from your former spouse, having as little communication as feasibly possible with that spouse, cheering on your child, hugging and kissing him for doing so well, and then having both parents leave in separate cars?

Is “better” not only not knowing what to say to friends when they inquire about the impending divorce? And is “better” having a child wonder what the heck is going on in their family but barely able to comprehend, let alone ask appropriate questions about what the heck is going on, because you don’t even know yourself? 

Is “better” having to linger in this “lifestyle” until your child goes off to college, which will roughly be 10 years from now?

After contemplating the smattering of questions I exemplified, can anyone honestly tell me that my life will get “better?” I seriously doubt so. Although I am open to being receptive to comments to the contrary.

I made a conscious decision to have a child and build a family. I looked forward to having a loving spouse, who would be there for this family during good times and in bad. I may never know just what went awry. But what I am experiencing and will be experiencing is far from “better.” And it’s a damn shame, especially for my child. Because out of us all, he’s the one who deserves “better.”

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

I saw my divorce lawyer yesterday. It was a very long, two-hour meeting and I left there drained. I was even tearing up as I drove home, thinking, “I am actually getting a divorce.” It sort of hit me the way when a loved one dies, out of the blue, you get a pang in your heart and you immediately think, “OMG! I’m never going to see that person again!!” It’s all part of the grief process.

But what has been bothering me the most has been the lack of closure for my marriage. I have asked my husband umpteen times why he wants to divorce and the answer is always the same, “I don’t know.” That’s not good enough for me. That’s not good enough when you spend 21 close, intimate years with someone and are married to him for almost 16. That’s not good enough when there is a child involved and their entire life is going to be upended. That is just not a good enough answer just for the sake of being not a good enough answer considering the magnitude of this situation. But it’s the best I’m ever going to get from him.

Still, I need closure. I have been working with my therapists and even pleaded with one of them to pretend my spouse had died to help me get through the grief process! She thought I was a little off the wall, but she understood. I can’t get past the grief process without some type of closure. I’d take just about any reason at this point! An “I don’t know,” just doesn’t cut it for me...and never will.

So, driving from one of my therapy appointments the other day, it hit me. For those of you who (probably pre-children), had the luxury of watching television, and had HBO, and may have been a “Sex and the City” addict, like me, may recall the, “He’s just not that into you,” episode. To briefly summarize, there was an episode where one of the main characters, Miranda, overheard a conversation between two young women. The young women were discussing why a date hadn’t called back when he said he would. The women were dissecting every nuance of the date and the phone calls the couple had prior to the date. And the woman who’s date never called back just couldn’t understand why because there were no obvious signs or communication indicating that this date would never call again. So brazen Miranda, listening to this wisely, approached the young women, apologized for eavesdropping, and simply said, “Face it. This guy is just not into you.” Then Miranda politely excused herself while the young women, although stunned by the revelation, had to agree with Miranda. And to some extent, you could tell that the woman who’s date never called back, was somewhat relieved at this epiphany.

As I drove home, I recalled this episode, and like the young woman whose date never called back, I thought to myself, “Your husband is just not into you.” And all of a sudden, a wave of peace washed over me. Yes, it’s a lame reason to use for “closure” purposes, but it is, still and all, a reason. 

Since I have allowed myself this “closure” statement, I must admit, I do feel freer and more positive. As ridiculous as this statement is, and considering that this is a marriage that is ending and not just a date not calling anymore, I realize that the statement of, “He’s just not that into you,” is rather trite. But, for me, it is something. And trite or not, it is at least a step above, “I don’t know.” So, for now, I have found my reason for closure. Or perhaps, on a superficial level, have something to use as a tool to start healing again. Because up until now, I’ve just been harboring anger. Tons and tons of anger. Which is ruining my body and mind and is just plain unproductive at minimum.

“He’s just not that into you.”  Barely meaningful for my situation, but for now, at least it works. And at least I can begin to move on.

The Loveliness of No Homework ?

If there was one thing I didn’t miss during the school Winter Recess growing up, it was not having to do homework. I guess those days are over.

My seven-year-old son was given a 3-week project to do on the solar system. It was to be worked on before the Winter Recess, during the Winter Recess and now for the week after. We wisely chose to do the bulk of the written work both before and after the Winter Break. The project included making a diorama of the solar system in an empty box. We left that to work on during the break because it we thought it would be more fun to do.

The written work - the whole project, actually - was beyond exhausting. Especially given at the peak of the Holiday Season. There was, no exaggeration, an eight-page outline of exactly what was supposed to be completed, in what order, and exactly how the accompanying diorama had to be constructed. An entire page was dedicated to Internet sites that the children (read: “parents”) needed to get information from. And the diorama models of the planets needed to look exactly as shown on the Internet sites. To make matters even more fun for the parents, specific craft supplies, within specified dimensions, needed to be obtained to construct this diorama! Try going to Michael’s craft store at the peak of the holiday season, push and shove your way through the isles to get to the Styrofoam balls (of varying sizes, of course), along with other assorted items. Once the materials were collected, you had to stand on line for 20 minutes, while your child is whining that they just want to go home (me too), and why is the line so long (because it is the Holiday Season, Honey, and ALL lines are long during the Holiday Season), and can’t we just do this another time when the store is not crowded (that would  probably be sometime around mid- June)??

Later, we found that the “planets” would need to be hung from the top of the box in some fashion. My husband went to Home Depot to get special hooks to hang these darn “planets” from.

Back to the paperwork, we still needed to have my son color in each of the planets on a sheet of paper in the exact colors shown on the Internet, and label them. Since my son loathes using crayons, and prefers using markers because he enjoys seeing his art project “come to life” using markers or paint, he wasn’t terribly happy about having to use specified crayons to color in his planets. He was downright frustrated when our small box of crayons had some colors either broken or missing. And while I have a supply of markers in every color imaginable, I didn’t even have one stinking box of crayons in my vast supply! Off to Staples I went the next day (I wasn’t dealing with Michael’s again!) and bought the 64 crayon box, so that my son would have a plethora of crayons to chose from, all new, and all which could be used to accurately resemble the actual colors of each planet!

This is just a sample of what the parents had to engage in before, during and after the Winter Break! For Christmas, my cousins knew how hard we all were working on this taxing project that they bought my son a real telescope for Christmas! My son has been looking for planets every night since!

So, although this project, due this Friday, has been a major inconvenience and huge hassle in every conceivable way for us parents, it has engaged my son. It all taught us something (mostly patience while waiting on long lines!), and proved that hard work and diligence really does pay off in the end.

But please, teachers. If you have to give children such a large project to do, please choose a time of year OTHER than the Holiday Season!! It would be so very much appreciated!! Thank you!